Definition of: Jumped the Shark
For a fleeting moment my mind wandered down Media Whore From Yesteryear Lane and I thought about Perez Hilton. Remember him? The crude and cruel pop blogger who named himself after Paris Hilton and drew penises on people's faces?
At one point his blog was relevant to pop culture, he was getting wealthy, and it was appearing he would become the first blogger/internet personality to become more or less legitimately famous. However, after a few miscalculations in business acumen, he won't be remembered as a trailblazing internet entrepreneur as much as that fat blogger guy who got who drew spunky shlongs on everyone, got punched by a Black Eyed Pea and seemed to eschew dignity at every opportunity.
Where did it all go wrong?
1. He Blogged About his Dog too Damn Much
We get it- you think your dog is cute. But then again you're a gay guy so of course you think your dog is cute, and 2) I used to go on his site to see upskirt pics of drunken Hollywood starlets not because I wanted to get my Dog Fancy on.
Eventually his long hours of blogging exhausted him and he wanted to cash out while he still had enough heat on his career to pursue other projects. So instead of closing his blog, or introducing a new team of writers, he just handed his sister the reigns and instructed her to pretend she Perez himself. The content suffered and eventually his website became links to gossip you read on other sites two days ago.
3. He GUARANTEED That Fidel Castro had Died (and was dead wrong. [get it?])
Never content to deal only in gossip news, Perez declared to the world in an exclusive news break that Fidel Castro had died. After being asked about his sources Hilton reminded the world that he is Cuban and has lots of friends and family in Miami and Cuba and the he just knew. When no corroborating reports of Castro's death surfaced, Perez told us to wait and see.
We did and Castro is still alive almost four years later.
4. He Made the Miss America Pageant About Himself
Anytime a blogger known for drawing phallic depictions on celebrities' faces is asked to judge a beauty pageant, you can be sure it is for his political wisdom. That's what Perez assumed while judging the 2009 Miss America Pageant and asking a contestant about her stance on the politically divisive topic of gay marriage. Sure it was a jerky, look-at-me question to ask, but it wasn't so jerky and look-at-me that he couldn't go on several talk shows and wax polemic about the social change he thought he just brought forth.
5. He Tried Rapping
Remember this show? I hope you don't.
6. He got Punched by a Manager for the Black Eyed Peas After Perez Called HIM a Faggot
In Perez's eyes the following makes you a victim:
If you say vile things about a singer, and that singer's manager confronts you, and you call that manager a "faggot" and he punches you in the face, YOU are the victim.
7. He Made That Funny Video Rant After Getting Punched
I'm not going to embed that video because it's too pathetic, but you remember the video of him on his bed, fighting back tears and snot bubbles out of his nose, explaining his victimization. With Perez crying to YouTube about his new role as victim, he drew the curtain on the smoldering, gnarled and noxious wreckage that was his stint with fame.
While recalling the career arc of Perez Hilton, it reminds us that some things are timeless, while others are not. Shallow, misanthropic attention whores have short shelf-lives, but what remains timeless is pointing and laughing at them and their misfortune.
You taught us all a very valuable lesson, guy who drew boners on celebrity faces!