Top 10 Signs Anti-Depressants may be Right for you

Top 10 Signs Anti-Depressants may be Right for you

Pharmaceutical companies think you might have a problem, and they are HUGE,  successful corporations, so they are probably right.  Since no one likes a loser, or helping out the little guy, I'm gonna help out the Big Guys at Big Pharma and help you evaluate yourself to see if anti-depressant drugs may be right for you.

1.  Your Boss Annoys, or Even Frustrates you

Your boss got to where he is (and let's face it, your boss is a "he") because he's smarter than you and better at your job than you are.  It's workplace Darnwinsim, which means it's scientific fact. If you find yourself frustrated by your boss (i.e. by science), there isn't something wrong with him, there is something wrong with you.

2. You Sometimes Feel Like Your Day Sucked

After your alarm jolts you awake, you scramble to get to your job that frustrates you, only to be frustrated at work yet again, then the pothole-filled commute home (or overcrowded, slow CTA commute) only added to your frustrations. To top it all off  you didn't really feel like cooking an elaborate dinner and cleaning up afterward so you settled for a dinner of 4 mouths-full of peanut butter. In other words, it was a lot like yesterday. A happy person would delight in a daily routine like that!

3. Other People Oftentimes Appear Un-awesome.

You know that guy with multiple dents in his rear bumper who just cut you off in traffic? When that happened you thought, "No wonder that asshole has such a jacked up bumper, he drives like an asshole with his head cut off! If I weren't such a talented driver I'd have given him another!". What makes depression so scary is it sometimes makes us lash out at innocent people. God, you're sick.

4. Jay Leno Doesn't Seem Uproariously Funny

Dozens and dozens of senior citizens find him funny in a cute way, so why can't you? Oh that's right, you suffer from depression.

5. Getting Interrupted is no Longer fun

You know who gets frustrated when they get interrupted? The helplessly depressed. Think about it, if your diatribe were actually engrossing, you wouldn't be getting interrupted. It IS your fault and it is correctable. You need to buy man-made, brain-altering chemicals made in a laboratory by people who mostly have an idea how they work. After doing that, no one would dare interrupt your peaceful ramblings.

6. Something as Simple as the Weather Annoys you

This simple 2-part test will tell you if you're sick in the head:

1) If it rains and you get wet, do you complain?

2) If you turn on your shower and water does NOT come out, do you complain?

If you answered yes to both, there is clearly something wrong with you. An affirmative  answer to #1 indicates you dislike water, yet the same response for #2 indicates you like water. Since you can't make up your own mind, you should probably let a pharmaceutical firm make it up for you.

7. Does the Sound of a Child's Laughter Make you Smile?

If you answered 'Yes' that it makes you ONLY smile, you need a double-helping of anti-depressants. It should make you smile, choke up, make you want (more) kids AND warm your heart so much that it feels like it's churning out steamy, velvety, warm cocoa instead of that icy blood that we both know it's really pumping.

8. Little Things Irritate You

We're born, we die and in between, we live. So when you're annoyed at the guy who coughed without covering his mouth in a crowded el train, then answered his absurdly loud Black Eyed Peas ringtone, only to yell into it that he didn't eat at  Chipotle, but rather "chip-ol-tay", you are annoyed by life. The cure isn't  more sleep, more exercise and/or more sex. You need to change the science of your brain.

9.  In an Attempt to Compensate for Your Depression, you Think you are Better Than People

One common sign of depression is a compensatory feeling of superiority to those you are familiar with. In other words, you feel so badly about your own self that you feel the need to  lie to yourself just so you can accept yourself. Do you find yourself thinking that you could do a better job than Regis Philbin, Keanu Reeves, Ryan Secrest, Sarah Palin, Ashton Kutcher,  Rod Blagaojevich,  Jim Hendry,  The Black Eyed Peas, Linda Cohn, Stu Scott, Kevin James, Kevin Bacon, Larry King, Rachel Ray, Nicholas Cage, Joe Buck, Nick Cannon or journalists who let politicians evade direct questions do their jobs? Then clearly you are depressed.

10. You use Other Drugs (Like Alcohol)

You drink because you want to have more fun. Why do you need to have more fun? Because depression debilitates you. So you just admitted you need drugs to stay happy, and if Ryan Dunn had taken a Xanax instead of handful of drinks, he still would've crashed his car into a tree but it'd be legal and it would've been at 7 miles-per-hour.

 

 

 

Leave a comment