8 Reasons I am not on Facebook

I feel like I have this conversation increasingly often. I figured I would just write it down and send people the link now instead. All my fellow non-Facebook users are invited to do the same.

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Filed under: Facebook, Pop Culture

Tags: Facebook, Venn Diagram

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  • I think you'd be right at home on Facebook! You can go on 8 page diatribes about your likes and dislikes and judge everyone else as stupid douches. No wonder those friends don't email you or pick up a phone, you're a social a-hole.

  • You're an idiot. I mean, I have no particular love for Facebook, and certainly I have wasted enough time and energy on it, but Jesus, you're really, really bad at this.
    I found this, of course, through Facebook and thought it so dismal I felt compelled to respond. I cannot abide arguments so awful.

    Slide 1:
    No, you're right, biological organisms and emotional attachments are basically the same thing and of course ruled by the same evolutionary mechanics. Especially how the driving tenet of evolution is reproduction and that's like how friendships... uh... they - that is - well.
    Ahem.
    But really, what's great about your opening is that you literally say "Friendships die out sometimes. Facebook can revive them temporarily but they'll die out again probably." Nice work, champ. I'd probably understand why that makes Facebook worthless if I "respected what nature said" more often.

    Slide 2:
    Hey you guys, check me out, over here - not judging. That's what I do: not judge. You're entering the no judge zone when you're around me, yessir. Now then, Facebook is stupid and people that use it are stupid (especially the girls who I talk about in the next slide! They're extra worthless human beings!)
    Human beings constantly judge each other. We're (shock!) social animals. It's what we do. It's naive in the obscene to think you're not doing that every single time you interact with a person. You are weighing their value in relation to yourself. You can't help that. You'd do it with or without Facebook. You have been, in fact, your entire life.
    Anyway thanks for the hackneyed quote. If there's one thing I love it's regurgitated aphorisms.

    Slide 3:
    I too find it disgusting that individuals put stock into interpersonal relationships and the way they are perceived by their peer groups. Why can't we all be perfect like you, and ignore our own sense of self and sense of community and concentrate on reading our newspapers and planning our workday.
    Actually... the more that I think about it... why are you writing a terrible article and not devoting your time to curing cancer? That, certainly, is to this article as newspaper-reading is to Facebook status upgrades.
    (Hint: it's because this argument, like you, is stupid.)

    Slide 4:
    Do you know what I hate? When so many people want to know all about me. They can miss me, man! You know? Screw 'em. If someone wants to invite me to a party, or their band's next show, or a play their kid's putting on - well, they better write me a letter, brother, because I don't give a god damn about their convenience. My REAL friends know that if they want to send me any sort of non-critical information they had better call.
    It's just like Jersey Shore.
    Only it's not like Jersey Shore at all.

    Slide 5:
    Check it, man. When I'm on a date and she starts asking about socially-acceptable ways of maintaining contact with me, or perhaps a non-invasive way of understanding who I am just a little bit better based on what I choose to tell the world about myself, I tell that bitch she can hit the bricks. Homie don't roll with social networking.
    Tell me, do you not give women your number? I mean, I don't. If she wants to ask me something, I AM RIGHT THERE. Why would she want to ask me something in the future?
    Anyway, sweet ham-fisted drivel about candlelight and "fidgeting cutely" bro. I bet you are #1 with the ladies for sure.
    Or, at least, the ones that never ask you if you are part of the most popular social networking vehicle in the civilized world.

    Slide 6:
    Okay. You got me. It's clear what you are now. You're not an idiot who writes poorly, you're some sort of Martian anthropologist who has come from the stars to study humanity. Let me clear up some theories for you: people lie all the time. People lie all the time especially when they think it will make them look better. People have been doing it to you your whole life, and will continue to do so in or out of Facebook. You do it too. It's just way easier to identify it on Facebook.
    Really, you should find Facebook useful: it's an easy way to identify who in your life is full of bullshit.
    I wonder, though... would you put "good writer" on your profile?
    ...
    Sorry, low blow.

    Slide 7:
    This is - to be fair - a half-decent point. Privacy issues are a valid reason to abstain from Facebook - and social networking in general. 1 for 7, so far.

    Slide 8:
    Ah, to top it all off, the pinnacle of rational debate and academic discourse: the personal anecdote.
    Yeah? Well everyone I know that is a super-genius... they're ALL on Facebook! And all of my crackhead burnout buddies... they're NOT on Facebook! Chew on that one!
    But, really, you have to stop and think: you think you're smart, and you're not on Facebook.
    The state of these arguments though.
    I mean it just makes you think, right?
    ...Right?

    So, that was pretty long, but I am a firm believer in calling people out on their bullshit.
    So, there you are.
    This article is bullshit.

  • In reply to magicbeef:

    If this article is Bullshit, then why did you just waste an hour commenting on it? I think the author wins here.

  • In reply to magicbeef:

    I literally said why in the last three lines.
    They are right above your post.
    You could not have clicked the comment button without seeing them.

    Hell, I said why in the beginning, too.
    Stupid bullshit should not go unrecognized for what it is.

  • In reply to magicbeef:

    We should start a blog together called "stupid bullshit called out!" It will be a message board themed blog. Every post will be your analysis of somebody's blog.

  • In reply to DanTello:

    Hey I actually do that here blog.theleadstory.net :)

  • In reply to magicbeef:

    Wow I fell for this. Still I signed up just to comment on your comment. Thank you for the synopsis. I didn't really care about the author's 8 reasons. After the intro it was pretty much a wrap. I saw your comment, however and loved it! Thank you. ~follow me

  • In reply to magicbeef:

    Well said magicbeef. Couldn't agree more!

  • fb_avatar

    I've had a couple of bad experiences with jerks, but you get them everywhere...but thank God for some of my FB friends....I was stabbed by my PTSD Vietnam Vet husband 5 weeks ago. Without my old friends and some new ones I connected with on FB? I'd be screwed.

  • fb_avatar

    I was rather disappointed in the 8 reasons that were given to disassociate with FB. Facebook is just like life..It's what you make of it...I've re-hooked with a myriad of old neighborhood friends, found other people with a similar outlooks on life and personal attractions, food, literature, humor, art, nature, sports, philosophies. YOU pick who you engage dialogue with, share opinions, etc. You can unplug anyone, anytime. If you don't like getting "likes", poo on you, in the real world it's called a stroke or a pat on the back. I consider myself very intelligent and socially engaging to many people of different walks of life. I was born this way and it excites me. You seem to be a negative and derogatory person who can't control his/her Facebook status. You control your own life, not a social network...FB is not for you because you are a pessimist unwilling to find the positive aspects of this IT arena...I't all right, go back to deep immersion in your ingelligence....what does that mean?...When your brain turns into a gel -like state of negative questions and fearful innuendo?

  • I LOVE anti-FB propaganda, for all the reasons above and then some. The more of it the merrier. Bring it on!!

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