What is it like to be a woman in tech? You mean other than having people repeatedly ask you, “What’s it like to be a woman in tech?” Ha! Kidding.
Seriously though, this question has been asked many times before to many other panels just like this. Those women have all said basically the same things hoping you would stop asking, but clearly you won’t. Fine. I give up. I’m sorry, ladies, but I have to tell them. It’s time. I’m going to finally tell the truth about what it’s like to be a woman in tech.
Being a woman in tech is awesome. You don’t even know how awesome, but I’m going to explain it.
You see, in 1952 a group of female scientists started studying the physiological effects of computers on women. At the time, women were still the primary operators of computers, which meant they often worked long hours in poorly ventilated rooms with these strange new machines. Male scientists saw no issue with this, but female scientists were concerned for their fellow women and sought to ensure that prolonged proximity to computers would not have adverse health effects. What they found, however, was quite the opposite.
Those scientists discovered that the human uterus functions as a reverse Faraday cage. It attracts and traps computer electromagnetic wave emissions and stores them inside women’s bodies. It took a few more decades and much more research before another group of scientists discovered the true potential of that biologically stored computer power.
Women’s bodies write code. Yep. Similar to how we are able to make human life inside of us, we can nurture code into existence. In our lady parts. Code is growing in each of us on the panel right now.
Furthermore, extensive work has been done to develop and perfect modified kegel exercises that allow us to turn our bodies into magnifying transmitters that can intensify and direct our stored power outward allowing us to control or destroy computer infrastructure within a ten mile range.
The reason you haven’t heard about this before is that every time those female scientists submitted their papers to conferences all the speaking slots went to more established male scientists even though the men's research was much less revolutionary. Eventually, the women gave up trying to go public.
So women in tech have been harboring this secret. It is why we put up with your sexual and demeaning comments. It’s why we keep working despite being stereotyped as having fewer technical skills and repeatedly seeing men take credit for our work. It’s why we work for less money than our male peers and roll our eyes when less qualified men get promoted before us. We can only tolerate all that bullshit because we live with the secret pleasure of knowing we have the power inside us to destroy all you love and take over the world. At any moment. And that moment will be soon. So very soon.
I am a woman in tech, destroyer of worlds.
And also I like my job because I can use my soft skills to differentiate myself from my male peers.
That’s what it’s like to be a woman in tech. Next question.
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As much as I wish this were true it's just a bit of Fiction Friday.
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