Archive for 2012

Handmade Gifts For Your Parents: You Know You Grew Up In The Seventies if These Were Under The Tree

Nothing said Happy Holidays better than a clay ashtray did in the seventies.  Light 'em up and smoke 'em if you got 'em...here is an ash tray lovingly kneaded by your first grader.  God Bless Us Everyone.
Yes, Virginia…there is a Santa Claus…and long before The Oriental Trading Company…teachers had pretty impressive imaginations. For the donation of a buck (to cover the cost of supplies), little elves spent the last week before Christmas Vacation working their fingers to the bone in order to provide the perfect gift for the parents. Way back... Read more »

A Letter To Princess Kate: A Distressed Duchess In The Dumper

A Letter To Princess Kate: A Distressed Duchess In The Dumper
Dear Princess Puker Kate: While I hope this letter finds you on the mend, I must tell you I write  sincerely when I offer you some words of wisdom following your recent run-in with the morning sickness. Suck it up, Sister. Seriously, I am beginning to think this regal gestation is going to last longer than Simpson’s and... Read more »

Christmas RSVPs: A Menagerie of Merry Morons Who Need Not Reply

Leftover Louie ~ ah, Leftover Louie is such a stroke.  Last Christmas Louie and his family signed up to bring a dozen cupcakes, one pumpkin pie, a 9x13 pan of green bean casserole, and a stick of butter.  As soon as the last person cleared the dessert buffet line, Louie and his brought-from-home box of ziplocks sprung into action.  You watched in horror as Louie bagged up every last crumb of whatever his family contributed to the meal (including the eighth-a-stick of leftover butter) and ran like lightning to secure them in the trunk of his car for safe keeping.  So, it came as no surprise this past Thanksgiving when you were asked to contribute five pounds of mashed potatoes to the family feast over at Louie's place.  As you were getting ready to leave, Louie handed you a bag heavy enough to make you think you had the makings for a pretty sweet turkey sandwich with all the trimmings to take back to your crib.  And, sure enough...later that evening...after your turkey-induced slumber...as your mouth watered thinking about the turkey goodness, you made your way to the fridge and opened the bag.  And then as you took the all too familiar looking container out, you slammed it on the counter as you shouted, "THAT MOTH-ER FUCK-ER".  THAT motherfucker indeed.  Leftover Louie sent you home with the remaining four pounds of your mashed potato offering.  It could be worse.  You could be your sister opening a half gallon of gravy and a ziploc bag containing exactly two-and-a-half croissants right about now.
The holidays are here along with all the weirdos that seem to participate.  Just when you think the freak flags that fly at your annual family gathering are exclusive to your gene pool…think again.  The names and faces may be different, but don’t fool yourself.  Their stories and the freakiness that follows are all the same.  ... Read more »
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Job Interview Takeaway: Old, Chubby Broads With Plenty Of Experience Need Not Apply

Job Interview Takeaway: Old, Chubby Broads With Plenty Of Experience Need Not Apply
My latest venture to find employment that pays more than peanuts just got a big, grubby thumb down. Or a clammy-fishlike-end-of-the-interview-handshake followed by the obligatory “if you don’t hear from us in twenty-four hours, consider it that we’ve decided to go in a different direction” send off. I’m nearing the forty-eight hour mark. Needless to... Read more »

CPS Strike: I'm Just Going To Go Ahead And Say What You Are Probably Thinking

Karen is the president of the Chicago Teacher Union.  Once the contract is ratified and the teachers get the raise they want they should do two things.  One...find a new rep.  And two...chip in an buy Ms. Lewis a brassiere as a parting gift.  Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and sadly, books are still judged by their covers.  If this is the face of the CTU...it needs an overhaul along with an attitude adjustment.
What we are witnessing here is a pissing match, you know? Oh, sure it is a circus…no doubt in my mind. But there is a side show going on at the big top. And it is a pissing match. Karen Lewis meet Rahm Emanuel. Rahm, let me introduce you to Karen. FYI…take a good look... Read more »

9/11: My Company "Celebrated" With Popsicles

9/11: My Company "Celebrated" With Popsicles
  Oh, yes we did.  Popsicles. In all fairness…they were red, white and blue. Red.White.and.Blue.Flippin’.Popsicles. Each month our breakroom has a calendar describing the fast, fun and friendly events for the upcoming month. Last week I noticed on September 11 we would celebrate Red, White and Blue day. I had a fleeting thought of asking... Read more »
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Freakin' Hire Me Already...And The Other Things I Wish I Could Include On My Resume

Freakin' Hire Me Already...And The Other Things I Wish I Could Include On My Resume
The truth of the matter is I NEED A  BETTER JOB. Even “truthier”…I needed it yesterday. I looked in the mirror about three months ago and realized something has got to give. My current job…for lack of a better term…simply sucks. Turning off the alarm every morning at three o’clock following a short four-hour nap…sucks.... Read more »

Drew Peterson Trial Provides A Conversation Every Couple Should Have

Drew Peterson Trial Provides A Conversation Every Couple Should Have
Every couple needs to have this conversation. Seriously. Long before your face is plastered all over a breaking news story regarding your disappearance.  And way, way before Rob Lowe signs on to play your husband/alleged killer in a sappy made-for-tv-movie for Lifetime. Make sure you utter these words before there is a murder trial that your once-beloved... Read more »

Chick-fil-A: Everyone Has An Opinion

Chick-fil-A: Everyone Has An Opinion
I don’t care if you are a member of Team Adam & Eve or Team Adam & Steve. You are entitled to your opinion and the right to eat a delicious chicken sandwich where ever you choose ~ the closer to home the better. More importantly, based on the Constitution, Americans are encouraged to express... Read more »
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Jesse Jackson Jr: Hijacking A Disease Along with the Congressional Seat

Jesse Jackson Jr: Hijacking A Disease Along with the Congressional Seat
UPDATE:  I wrote this way back in November…when I suspected Triple J might use his “illness” to lighten a sentence should he be indicted and a jury find him guilty. Fast forward to May.  With a pending sentence on the horizon, sources over at Huff Post Chicago suggest exactly what I predicted.    Here is... Read more »