Posts in category "Stories Compromising My Mother-of-the-Year Status"

Why I Gave Your Kid A Cheese Sandwich When He Forgot His Lunch

Why I Gave Your Kid A Cheese Sandwich When He Forgot His Lunch
Do you ever catch the news blurbs from time to time regarding lunch ladies shaming deadbeat students with a cheese sandwich? Those probably piss you off.  Me too. I’ve got to tell you I’m #TeamLunchLady.  Those little bastards got what was coming to them. I enjoy reading the comments from the people freaking the flip... Read more »

The Top 10 Things Mom Doesn't Want This Mother's Day

The Top 10 Things Mom Doesn't Want This Mother's Day
          #1o  Anything with your handprint on it – unless it is attached to a plate being put in the sink. #9   A luke-warm meal. She is gifted that 364 days a year already.  Cut your own meat. #8  Your eyes “looking at anybody”, your grubby paws “touching anybody”, and the unavoidable announcement delivered in... Read more »

CPS School Closures: Knowing Before Going Is For Pansies

CPS School Closures: Knowing Before Going Is For Pansies
Chances are your kid is home from school today. And, chances are you have known about said cancellation for days. My heart breaks for today’s generation.  Our kids are spoiled rotten. Everything is instant. As parents we have to know everything NOW.  And the children suffer. Thanks to Google, kids today will never know the agony of... Read more »
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A Letter To Princess Kate: A Distressed Duchess In The Dumper

A Letter To Princess Kate: A Distressed Duchess In The Dumper
Dear Princess Puker Kate: While I hope this letter finds you on the mend, I must tell you I write  sincerely when I offer you some words of wisdom following your recent run-in with the morning sickness. Suck it up, Sister. Seriously, I am beginning to think this regal gestation is going to last longer than Simpson’s and... Read more »

Christmas RSVPs: A Menagerie of Merry Morons Who Need Not Reply

Leftover Louie ~ ah, Leftover Louie is such a stroke.  Last Christmas Louie and his family signed up to bring a dozen cupcakes, one pumpkin pie, a 9x13 pan of green bean casserole, and a stick of butter.  As soon as the last person cleared the dessert buffet line, Louie and his brought-from-home box of ziplocks sprung into action.  You watched in horror as Louie bagged up every last crumb of whatever his family contributed to the meal (including the eighth-a-stick of leftover butter) and ran like lightning to secure them in the trunk of his car for safe keeping.  So, it came as no surprise this past Thanksgiving when you were asked to contribute five pounds of mashed potatoes to the family feast over at Louie's place.  As you were getting ready to leave, Louie handed you a bag heavy enough to make you think you had the makings for a pretty sweet turkey sandwich with all the trimmings to take back to your crib.  And, sure enough...later that evening...after your turkey-induced slumber...as your mouth watered thinking about the turkey goodness, you made your way to the fridge and opened the bag.  And then as you took the all too familiar looking container out, you slammed it on the counter as you shouted, "THAT MOTH-ER FUCK-ER".  THAT motherfucker indeed.  Leftover Louie sent you home with the remaining four pounds of your mashed potato offering.  It could be worse.  You could be your sister opening a half gallon of gravy and a ziploc bag containing exactly two-and-a-half croissants right about now.
The holidays are here along with all the weirdos that seem to participate.  Just when you think the freak flags that fly at your annual family gathering are exclusive to your gene pool…think again.  The names and faces may be different, but don’t fool yourself.  Their stories and the freakiness that follows are all the same.  ... Read more »

Freakin' Hire Me Already...And The Other Things I Wish I Could Include On My Resume

Freakin' Hire Me Already...And The Other Things I Wish I Could Include On My Resume
The truth of the matter is I NEED A  BETTER JOB. Even “truthier”…I needed it yesterday. I looked in the mirror about three months ago and realized something has got to give. My current job…for lack of a better term…simply sucks. Turning off the alarm every morning at three o’clock following a short four-hour nap…sucks.... Read more »
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Drew Peterson Trial Provides A Conversation Every Couple Should Have

Drew Peterson Trial Provides A Conversation Every Couple Should Have
Every couple needs to have this conversation. Seriously. Long before your face is plastered all over a breaking news story regarding your disappearance.  And way, way before Rob Lowe signs on to play your husband/alleged killer in a sappy made-for-tv-movie for Lifetime. Make sure you utter these words before there is a murder trial that your once-beloved... Read more »

Alicia Silverstone: Queen of the "New Mommy" Freaks

Alicia Silverstone: Queen of the "New Mommy" Freaks
  Did you catch the video of that freak Silverstone this morning? Do you suppose the food she chews and regurgitates into her eleven-month-old son’s mouth is organic? Because if it isn’t, it is probably very, very bad for the tyke…and his development.  And no doubt Silverstone is an expert in that area as well. She knows. ... Read more »

Kids' Sports: When Everyone Wins Backfires

Kids' Sports: When Everyone Wins Backfires
I had a feeling there was more in the “fine print” located at the bottom of the kids’ birth certificates. More than feeding the heathens, dropping serious cash down on kicks they would outgrow long before the season was over, and of course maintaining a health insurance policy well into their twenties. Somewhere in the... Read more »
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If Counting The Minutes Until School Starts Is Wrong...I Don't Want To Be Right

If Counting The Minutes Until School Starts Is Wrong...I Don't Want To Be Right
I am anticipating a slumber as restless as the ones I remember as a kid on Christmas Eve…when I looked forward to the gifts of the next day. Back to School Eve has a similar effect on me~and tomorrow’s gift promises to be priceless.  Something that has been on my wish list since school let... Read more »