Hold on to your goddamn hat cause this shit is starting to get really, really, really real.
Can you for one minute wrap your head around the steam coming out of the Harpo Executive offices this morning? Can you even fathom the pounds of sweet potato fries consumed by one "comfort eater" last night?
Let's take a moment. Oh, let's take a couple please. Go ahead. Feel free to offer a prayer, a moment of silence, or laugh your freakin' ass off. For the record imma laughing. Laughing my big ass off. Hard. Hardee har har har.
Unless you have spent the last week under a rock you know two things.
One. Oprah is offering viewers willing to invest the time actually finding the OWN channel "the interview of the century" tonight and a part two tomorrow evening.
Oprah sat down with Lance Armstrong earlier in the week and apparently squeezed a confession out of the one-time Olympic medal winner and seven-time yellow shirt winner.
Between landing the "scoop of the century" and hand-delivering the "tapes" to Chicago (well, la dee da, apparently we're still good for something) she found time to book an appearance with Gayle King on CBS to express her dismay that the "confession" was "mysteriously" leaked to the press.
What the hell are the chances? I guess it helps to know the right people. Wink-etty-wink-wink-wink.
And two. Drum roll please.... Scandal has erupted in South Bend.
Apparently, George Glass has a granddaughter and her name is Lennay Kekua.
One would imagine a muffin basket arrived on the South Bend campus this morning. No doubt the accompanying tag simply read : Manti ~ Many Thanks, All my best ~ Lance.
Ah, if only Oprah could lift her leg she would be able to kick her OWN self in the ass.
Sweet mother of Mary...the shit that a Hollywood screenwriter couldn't make up if they tried.
Let's break it down.
Oprah "retires" to start her own network, and lucky for the lady with everything also possesses the initials to name the sonofabitch OWN. Sure people can say how self absorbed can one be...but the lady can respond..."is it my fault my name is Oprah Winfrey?"
Soon after she takes her empire to LaLaLand, the shit hits the fan. And like most things in Winfrey's Universe...it is a BIG stinkin' steaming pile of poop. Accent on BIIIIIIIIG!
After a year of ho-hum ratings, The Queen of the Empire grabs the bull by the horns and decides what many of us minions already know: if one wants something done right it makes sense to do it oneself.
So Oprah sent some high-ranking employees flying and took the corner office for herself.
For the last six months she has revamped things over at OWN. Bringing back book clubs, favorite things, and one-on-one interviews with the gal who signs the paychecks.
Now, she's lowered her standards a bit. Kardashians, RiRi, a sit-down with Beiber etc. Hell, she even tried to rekindle her magic with Letterman.
This week's dog-and-pony-show involves Lance Armstrong.
Apparently he lied about the doping. Ya think?
And O had a sit-down with her bestest friend in the whole wide world to discuss her dismay in the contents of said interview being "leaked".
Oprah is the queen of the world. Nothing happens unless she wants it to happen, right?
It served her well to leak the info. Gave us viewers a four-day head start to find the goddamn channel on the cable box.
Just when the sports guys were getting to the Armstrong "nitty-gritty"...Manti Te'o, that poor, duped linebacker out of Notre Dame decides to come clean with his "hoax debacle".
And, just like that the "cancer story" that took a wrong turn no longer belongs to Armstrong...nope, no it is all about George Glass' granddaughter and her phony bout with leukemia now. Add to it their four-year-we-never-saw-each-other-once love story and you've got yourself some breaking news worthy of a presser.
All I can do is laugh.
Not one person is talking about Armstrong and his steroid issues today. Oh, peeshaw! Steroids are so yesterday.
And, really based on all the "leaking" earlier in the week...what shocking revelations really await the interested viewer?
Today's water-cooler talk centers around an internet love connection involving a relevant athlete from a prestigious college.
If Winfrey wants OWN to ever be relevant, she'd better get Manti Te'o, the sobbing ND AD, and anyone else from South Bend willing to talk on line one. Stat.
This thing stinks of a cover up. Once Manti Te'o finishes his last muffin courtesy of Armstrong, he can probably look forward to another arriving from Penn State.
Sportswriters have been duped with a girl friend dying of cancer sob story and now they've got a scandal to get to the bottom of and as luck would have it...
No one cares about Lance Armstrong or Oprah Winfrey. They are no longer relevant.
Take a moment. For a prayer, a moment of silence or a chuckle. The choice is yours.