***Disclaimer... No actual individuals with special needs were intended to be harmed by this headline or post ... back when life was simple and long before the politically correct police took over, kids in every neighborhood from the Atlantic to the Pacific referred to people acting like complete asshats as "ree-tards"...or scolded their asshatish behavior by uttering a phrase like..."don't act like a ree-tard".
The definition of "retard" provides several meanings other than a person who is mentally slow..."noun 3. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine. 4. Slang: Disparaging . a. a mentally retarded person. b. a person who is stupid, obtuse, or ineffective in some way: a hopeless social retard. 5. Automotive, Machinery . an adjustment made in the setting of the distributor of an internal-combustion engine so that the spark for ignition in each cylinder is generated later in the cycle". ***
Let me make it clear--I am referring to 4b. stupid people. Obtuse people. Ineffective people. I swear--only stupid people need be offended for the rules that follow and trust me they should not be nearly as offended by my opinion as I am by their boorish behavior.
For the record...I do not believe mentally challenged individuals are stupid. Okay?
Now that we are clear, here they are--my rules to success should you find the need to be a complete asshat the next time you shop retail.
I know...I know...customers are the reason we in retail have jobs...and because we have a job we should be grateful.
Asshats should thank their lucky stars I NEED the job...otherwise, trust me I would tell them exactly how I feel over the loud speaker moments before I punched out for the last time. I'm not going to lie...these are the moments I dream of.
Simply follow these ten by the letter and I guarantee you will become the reason most people in retail are completely miserable.
#10 ... Bring Kids With You (no matter how tired, hungry, and miserable they might be)
Who likes to shop alone? Hey--here is an idea...why not bring your screaming little effer shopping with you. Nothing says "a fantabulous shopping experience" quite like a shrieking kid will. And, really, who doesn't like to hear a kid express himself as he bellows from the time he hits the front door and continues as he hauls ass up and down every single aisle until you have to pry his grubby paws off the "out" door because he apparently does.not.want.to.leave. Thank you for sharing your little miracle with me...I shall never forget him.
# 9...Make Shopping Time A Learning Experience
Let your kids touch e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! How else will they stimulate their tactile dexterity? Sure—go ahead and let them stack the margarine tubs in the previously zoned dairy section and let them rearrange a sock display…but please make sure they have finished that sucker so they can leave their signature “sticky-ness” behind…and have them toss their finished sucker stick behind their masterpiece before they tear into the box of fruit snacks you found while they busied themselves with such creativity…that way I’ll definitely remember them as I zone it again.
#8... Ask Stupid Questions...I Mean Really Stupid Questions
Like when you appear out of nowhere in the little girls underwear department and nervously ask "Is this where the vacuum cleaners are"? Because I will have an answer for you...ahh, NO. Common sense...try a little common sense creepy man. Asking such a question near toasters or anything else sporting a plug will get you a personal escort to the exact aisle. Creepy perverts asking stupid questions will get directions to the pharmacy--they love entertaining questions over there.
#7... Do Not Use Our Baby Changing Station To Freshen Up Junior
I know those hanging tables can be a tragedy waiting to happen...and the garbage cans located throughout the store are not marked clearly enough...so go ahead and change your kid in the car or perhaps over in house wares...what to do with the stinky size 1 Baby Dry Huggie oozing runny green shit...what.to.do...what.to.do? Stuff it in the back-to-school display...underneath the index cards...who will know? I will. As I reach in to rearrange and restock. Thanks for the calling card.
#6... Act Like You Are The Only Person That Exists
As I am clearly helping another customer try to find something step right in front of her and cut off the conversation to ask where the stop watches are. Trust me buddy--this lady needs a yoga mat so much more than you need to time how long it takes for you to become an asshole from the moment you enter the establishment (save your money as I can confirm it wouldn't be worth the investment...all it took for me to figure it out was for you to open your mouth). Turn around idiot...they are right behind you. You.are.welcome! Carry on as the only person in the world.
#5...Allow Your Kid To Be The Pusher
By all means, let your preschooler push your infant around the store as you peruse the work-out-wear. Tell him to be careful as he just about takes out a maternity bathing suit display...and don't reclaim the cart as he runs into another shopper's ankle...instead stop dead in your tracks with a frazzled look on your face as he protests "I am the Pusher" while spinning the six-month-old around in circles. And...really no need to apologize to the lady with the smarting limb...instead tell her the tale of him needing his independence...oh the little brat needs something...starting with a nice tap on the ass.
#4...Text and Talk On The Phone While Attempting to Navigate Aisle B23 on a Busy Saturday Morning
You obviously have never mastered walking and talking at the same time...what makes you think the miracle of a technology in the form of a cell phone is going to aid you in clearing that hurdle. Nobody really cares about your issues with the guy on the other end...or who is doing what to whom at home. Likewise, the lady trying to reach the can of peaches that you are standing in front of as you shoot off a reply to your most recent text really doesn't give a shit either. She just wants the goddamn peaches. Want to really piss her off...don't hang it up or move on...just keep yapping.
#3 ... Be Sure to Enter Store With Your Favorite Grande Foo Foo Beverage...And Leave Without It...
Why litter your car with unwanted coffee cups leaking left-over whip cream when you can shove it behind the baby wipe container you opened to grab a couple to wipe off your sticky hands? Other choice spots to leave your crap...next to the folded sweater display (hey--they are absorbent)...in the travel-sized toiletry bins...and of course any empty shelf you are near following your final sip.
#2... Throw Anything Aside Should You Experience Buyer's Remorse
Find a better deal as you shop? No worries...pick up the better bargain and cast aside your unwanted purchase. The perfect spot for the 44 oz bottle of shampoo is right next to the diet coke display. Drape the folded shorts on the hanging shorts display. Or...my favorite remedy..."mistakenly drop unwanted item" on the floor and give 'er a kick...letting it land wherever it may. FYI...the best place to rid yourself of three pounds of ground beef is the empty magazine rack at the checkout lane. Don't worry at all about your complete irresponsibility...you'll be long gone before it is discovered.
#1 ...Open Every Package In Your Range To Check The Sizes
From underwear packages to the bags containing six pairs of socks to pantyhose...feel free to rip 'em open and hold them up to assess the size...take everything out and check out each one...then shove 'em all back in and use the steel peg to punch a hole in the container to hang it up again...or better yet cram all the contents on a nearby shelf. Once the proper size has been determined, pick out an unopened package in pristine condition for your purchase.
There you have it ten simple rules. Carry on...retards.