I am still anticipating the aftershocks of yesterday's rumble.
No, I speak not of the East Coast trembling yesterday afternoon. Nope, not at all.
I am still feeling the effects of the word out of LaLa Land...the imminent demise of THE Hollywood Power Couple...or do you, much like Oprah, consider them Hollywood Royalty?
For a brief moment my sick mind imagined a future post on Craig's List..."Divorce Sale: Sturdy Chandelier…$12,000 OBO – used every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday… and a bit more regularly when soon-to-be ex-husband was in town...
In relatively good condition if you overlook the scuff marks from five-inch stilettos. Looking to also unload an ex-BFF Scientology couple I will receive in upcoming divorce settlement to the highest bidder—thrown in at no extra charge…For more info…call Jada…555-IMA-CHTR."
Perhaps you thought they were the perfect couple. Me? Not so much.
You know what I considered them long before some blabbermouth spilled his/her guts to "Intouch Weekly"? Complete idiots.
After yesterday's "shocking" news? Hypocrites...hypocritical asshats...complete hypocritical idiotic asshats. Yep, that is what they are.
Perhaps you may have bought into the "Smith BS Fest". The perfect couple raising the perfect family.
Once again...me? Not so much.
Don't even get me started on the offspring's (albeit appropriate) monikers. Jaden (much like Mama--not so talented, just seems to be along for the ride as the gravy train arrives at the Cha-cha- Ching station) and Willow (much like her Daddy...definitely commands stage presence as she whips her hair back-and-forth--whips her hair-back-and forth).
Think of all the times Mister and Missus Smith hit the talk show circut gloating about their fantastic union...keeping it real as they kept the "spice" in the marriage...bragging of flexibility and chandeliers...offering advice on how to raise the children (again--they "keep it real" by suggesting ways they kept the youngins' grounded).
Go ahead and giggle if you must--I certainly am. Sure the Smith kids can be kept "grounded" as they travel around the globe on Dad's private plane...I know that's how I keep my kids' feet on the ground.
How did they offer such advice with straight faces?
As I said before the news was enough to make my head explode. I have been awaiting this day since I pegged them to arrive in divorce court years ago.
I have been firm in my opinion of these clowns for as long as I remember. In fact, I recall almost losing my lunch after hearing Jada being interviewed once and saying, "Women, you can have it all - a loving man, devoted husband, loving children, a fabulous career."
I hope the future second ex of the Fresh Prince gets custody of the kids or else she won't have anything, at all. And without the "Mr. Power" half of the couple in the equation, I highly doubt Jada will have scripts around in order to pass the time she will have on her hands.
I hope the little Mrs. gets custody of Oprah's phone number...remember what she told Lady O's audience at the intimate send off? "Oprah--YOU taught me how to be".
To that I say if getting caught with your creepy co-star when your hubby snuck home at lunch time (okay...allegedly--maybe you don't believe the breaking news out of TMZ's newsroom...but I consider it gospel truth) is "being your best self"...well, then yeah...it is all Oprah's fault.
Yeah--she is definitely going to need Mama O on speed dial. Oprah's smart though...you know she's taking Will's side. She invited Brad and Jen to her 50th birthday--once Pitt started playing house with Jolie--Winfrey dropped him like a hot "s-w-e-e-t-p-o-o-o-o-t-a-y-t-o-o-o-o-o-o!"
Okay...since the Smith theme has always been keeping it real...let's get really real for a minute. Can someone explain to me the draw of Marc Anthony? Seriously.
Besides looking emaciated the weirdo appears to only bathe every other full moon. C-R-E-E-P...with a capital C.
Poor Will Smith...I bet he is eating his words after spouting out a quote-worthy answer now forever preserved so that anyone Google-ing "Will Smith on his marriage" can see:
"What I found is divorce just can't be an option. It's really that simple. And I think that's the problem with L.A. - there are so many options. So a huge part of the success for [Jada] and I is that we just removed the other options." Hey--that is what he told Ellen.
Oh, that foolish, foolish fella--I'll be he never considered a Marc Anthony an option. And, really, what is wrong with Jada? Why would she consider that icky man an alternative--what is the attraction--certainly not the acting chops he brought to the HawthoRNe set table.
And so now the rest of us mere mortals are left with the exciting aftermath. Us regular shmucks moping around in hum-drum marriages day after day. Those who cannot afford a sturdy chandelier...who are no longer flexible...who have no idea the first step in "keepin' it real"...really.
We sit back and laugh.
Sure late yesterday there were blurbs on Access...a "reluctant" statement from the "still experiencing wedded bliss" power couple...assuring the people that they were still together (i.e. figuring out an acceptable spin for the leak) and hiring a lawyer to sue whoever lied (i.e. get a settlement in order before press gets wind) and headed on a family vacation to get away from the madness (because families trying to keep it real head out of town to an undisclosed location to iron out their problems with their marriage with the children along for the ride).
This afternoon brought the disclosure on TMZ...stating Mr. Smith had his driver take him home one afternoon at lunchtime (on a hunch) and found his perfect wife "keepin' it real" with Jenny from the Block's main man.
Here is a question...Was Mrs. "All That" the reason JLo had the perfect reason to spring herself from her "loving marriage"? Time will tell--more than a trust-worthy publicist willing to offer the standard "no comment".
Maybe you don't buy the rumors...but I say where there is smoke and a reluctant statement along with publicists refusing to comment--there is fire--in this case--it is an inferno.