It is week six for me at the new job. While I am no longer a newbie...three more classes fresh from "orientation" have joined the ranks, I still have plenty to learn.
The past two weeks have been spent in the "baby section". I am excited to report I have all but shook Thelma and Louise...as I only report to their department a couple shifts a week.
After the six a.m. break/official associate "team meeting" (...seriously this B.S. fest is a blog in itself--please, stay tuned), three days out of five I head to the diaper section, where I spend the rest of the shift unloading and stocking pallets of dipes, wipes, formula, infant toiletries, and Oh.My.God...the baby food aisle.
My youngest, now a twelve year old, was a "toddler" in 2001. Simply saying times.have.changed. is an incredible understatement.
When Quincy was in diapers, the World Trade Center was still standing and there was a choice of Pampers or Huggies (Luvs if you were a tight wad). We played for team Huggies.
More than a decade later there are four different types of Pampers...and just as many of the Huggies variety...six sizes of each...some promise "extra-overnight protection".
I'm guessing tight wads are still fans of Luvs as they share an aisle with the generic "store brand" of excrement receptacles.
Of course each company markets to the "pull ups" and "bed wetters" crowd, along with seasonal end-caps filled to the brim with the special swimmers diapers. The selection simply amazing.
The aisle next to that freak fest touts wipes. Again, nothing like the selection offered a decade ago.
Wipes that flush...scented...unscented...wipes for the sensitive rumps...wipes that promise "refreshment". One pack...three packs...boxes claiming to hold 788 wipes. Buy packages small enough to fit in your purse or large enough to last you a month.
Wipes especially made for boogers...in various scents for the discerning sniffer (good to know they aren't merely eating their snots anymore). Whatever the occasion~there is a wipe~the choice is yours.
Pull your cart into the next aisle and colorful toiletries meet your gaze. Again, when I was raising my toddlers there was shampoo that claimed to be "tearless" and lotion in a pink bottle, and one type of powder that the pediatrician prohibited...something about a no-no for the lungs.
This glitch must have been fixed because powder now comes in various scents clearly marked in tops of different colors. Today, every shade of the rainbow awaits you in the form of shampoo, rash cream, oil, powder, and assorted other lotions and potions containers.
In addition to a baby being delivered ever minute, apparently there is a sucker born as well. For a mere $16.99, you can become the proud owner of an eight ounce bottle of "California Baby" body wash that promises to wash your cry baby's over-sensitive ass.
Now...getting to my point...THE BABY FOOD AISLE...and why unhealthy Happy Meals are not the reason the Kindergarten Class of 2016 are not all going to fit in the standard 8x10 photo.
My hair-brained idea of marketing a "husky" sized kindergarten grad gown now begs for a patent.
Don't laugh...I am convinced...don't agree...belly up to an area baby/toddler food aisle...bring your appetite and an extra cart...you're going to need it.
Today, as I plunked my fat-ass (brought to me thanks to a steady diet of diet coke and a fondness of potato chips) on the floor filling shelves of organic baby food (yes, there is a huge market for this crap), a well-coiffed and made up future mother-of-the-year candidate and her three children wheeled that huge-assed cart down the aisle.
You are aware of these carts, behind the traditional cart are two side-by-side bucket seats and I swear to God it has got to be easier to steer an eighteen-wheeler than navigate that cumbersome six-wheeler down a store aisle.
An infant "Liam" (God help society--there is another one of "them")--probably about six-months old was in the front of the basket in his carseat. "Cody" about two...and "Madison" about four...followed behind.
Sitting in the bucket seats, right? Nah, they were busy running up and down aisles "getting rid of their extra energy"...at least that's what mom said while perusing the offerings of anything organic.
She asked the children when they came back to the aisle "what should we get for Liam". They were each responsible to choose ONE food for the kid. Madison grabbed a Gerber stage two package of pears off the shelf. Mom told her "NO...it's not organic."
Little Madison kept asking Mom how she might know if a jar IS organic...she never responded. After ten minutes of not knowing, my well-zoned aisle looked like a bomb hit it thanks to cute little Madison.
Now, Mom was asking "Liam" what he would like. Perhaps eating so healthy made a child speak earlier than non-organically fed children.
She simply held up a jar of mango pear in one hand and a squeezable pouch of spinach, apple, sweet potato in the other in front of his feet and asked the kid. Apparently the kid was supposed to kick at his preference because, no matter what type of food he was eating he was not speaking.
Not sure if Mom knew it or not, but Liam appeared to be in the middle of his mid-morning nap, she was too busy reading the labels. The inquires kept coming.
I don't understand the organic baby food idea. And, while I am sure many are fond of the reasoning that no pesticides go into the fruits/veggies in the jars, I do have one question.
If these jars promise a shelf life of 2014--what the hell kind of preservatives are pumped into the jars? The ill-effects of preservatives have got to negate the benefits of the lack of weed killer sprayed on the apples/pears...no?
The hellions mother would be better buying "organic" produce and tossing it in a food processor instead of buying overpriced organic baby food. Same goes for the moms buying chemical ridden produce...mush that shit up in a blender. Pulsate whatever you might be having for breakfast, lunch or dinner as well. Feed the kid what you're eating. Chances are he/she will learn early on that that's what's for dinner. And, probably won't be so "picky" later.
The family Organic moved on to the toddler food selection. Cody was keen on a $3.79 two-ounce canister of Gerber Graduate Mild Cheddar Lil Crunchies. They are nothing more than cheetoes marketed for the pre-preschool crowd. Next to them, a cool two bucks will buy the kid a box of "fruit strips"...clearly setting the table and an appetite for a future of fruit rollups.
Keep in mind...none of this stuff is organic...yet. I'm sure Gerber will figure out a way to make it all even healthier in addition to the convenience.
Yep, the next generation is going to be even porkier...and the next even more.
As long as we say the "sky is the limit" so long as it is convenient the kids' are going to develop a fondness for elastic waisted pants.
Great Grandma's only convenience were the two lady parts hanging off of her chest. She figured out how to feed a family and the baby off the land. In her free time she headed to the washboard after soaking the poop-filled diapers for hours. There were no wipes for sensitive asses or booger filled noses.
The beginning of all that is wrong in the world can be found in aisles 16 - 20. Companies have found a market for a generation willing to plunk down serious cash on crap they do not need.
Sad thing is it is the next generation's waistlines/health that will suffer for it. As a society do we eat to live or live to eat?
Just click on above banner...that is it...your vote will register...hey...thanks!