Your Majesty -
It has come to my attention that His Majesty is considering a run on my team if things do not work out with your girlfriend Cressida Bonas. According to PinkNews, you accepted a phone number happily from another male at Rum Kitchen in Notting Hill that was interested in dating you. It is reported that His Majesty replied, "I might experiment with gay men if my relationship doesn't work out." Look no further, my Ginger Majesty! Here are four reasons why you should take me out on a date and ditch Cressida:
I Am Noble.
It's funny because most of my friends call me the Prince of Kindness. By definition, I am of "noble" blood. And, of course, by "noble," I mean, I have fine personal qualities, high moral principles and ideals. These traits have been with my family for centuries. In fact, we can trace my families' "nobility" back to the slavery era. It's quite spectacular, actually. I am quite certain that Parliament and your grandmother the Queen will welcome me with hugs and kisses given my "noble" status. So, we can check this off the list....we're good!
I Knew Your Mother...
Well, sort of. Princess Diana came to Chicago to visit Northwestern Memorial Hospital back in my intern days. Though, interns were not allowed to meet her. I'd like to think we knew each other because we were in the same building at the same time...you know?!? Not to mention, after your mother passed, I hired someone to stand in line for me to sign "the book" that was sent across the country. She was my...imaginary friend, of sorts. And, I like to think she would approve of our relationship and future nuptials. So, we're good here.
Let's Shake Up The Monarchy
Let's keep it real. When was the last time you saw anyone from the monarchy date a Black person. We'll be the first to shake things up a bit. The Guardian and the BBC will love it. They'll probably call me, and this is just a working name, Prince Princess Lenox. I quite like that. I can read the headlines now, "Prince Harry Goes Black and Doesn't Go Back." To ensure that you really understand me and my culture, I'll let you touch my hair, I'll tell you what the "new black" really means and, I don't do this for everybody but I'll show you how to successfully do the "Whip/Nae Nae" - not like Paula Deen but like Tamar Braxton.
I'm Pretty "Easy..."
...to get along with. Did you think I meant something else, Your Majesty? You're so naughty, Harry! No, but I am that, too. Not only am I "easy" to bed, but I'm easy to get along with and honest. Which reminds me, I have to tell you something. Your brother, Prince William, and I...gosh, I don't know how to say this. Well, your brother and I had a thing...this is before he went bald and started to look really unattractive. Yikes! It was a short, long distance relationship. He was there. I was here. He was on TV. We never really talked. Like, ever. The flame just fizzled out and we continued to never speak again. Surely, he must've told you about me. Maybe not. It was something we deemed "unspeakable." He's married and over it and I am, too. I mean, I was the one to break it off, so. Totally my choice. But, we're good here.
Your Ginger Majesty, I have been completely vulnerable and honest about my life and my attraction for you. Now, it's time for you tell me more about you and what our future will look like...in person. I just know if Cressida will just stop cock blocking me from you, we can start our lives together. But, of course, when you're ready, I'll be here for you. I'll await for you to summon me so that we can have a proper date.
You are to magnanimous, Your Majesty,