Whoever Coined The Term “Baby Proofing” Has One Hilarious Sense of Humor

Whoever Coined The Term “Baby Proofing” Has One Hilarious Sense of Humor

There is no bigger oxymoron than the term baby proof. In fact, I’d venture to guess it’s one big inside joke by the person who coined the term. Is there anything more hilarious than hearing a parent say “we’re baby proofing our home” bahahahah!!!

Seriously baby proofing? By definition that means something is resistant or incapable of incurring damaged via the specified hazard. If you buy a waterproof watch you can return the piece of crap if you jump into a pool and it dies. So can I return my baby proof cabinet locks when baby destructo quickly figures out the loophole, opens the cabinet, and claws at a marble rolling pin?

A couple months ago during Nate's transition from staying where I put him to tormenting the whole house, I was on the phone with my mom all “oh yah, I’m baby proofing today! Little Nate’s starting to move around gotta prep for it.” If you don’t see the hilarity in that sentence you must not have a child on the move.

It’s literally impossible to baby proof. One nuisance is avoided, another pops up. It’s like Whac-A-mole. You can “lock” every cabinet and he’ll find new ways to wreck havoc: knock over a full trash can, plow through the dog food bowls, or stick his hand in an effing vent. The options are endless. So unless you’re selling a padded room please remove the verbiage baby proofing from the package.

Here’s a list of shit that become weapons/nuances in a home upon the presence of a baby:

-coasters

-remote controls

-candles

-dog bowls

-dog bowl mat

-rugs

-laundry baskets

-fireplace curtains

-speakers

-cords

-floor lamps

-everything being stored under the changing table

-your shoes

-your left-over breakfast plates

-his own baby swing

-books

-dog toys

-phones

-the list NEVER ends

I know some people choose not to baby proof to ensure diligence in teaching their children not to touch things. I’m not that hypervigilant. If I tried that Nate would learn the hard way not to touch a socket while I’m trying to feed the dog. So if you’re like me and can’t A+ two tasks at once get the socket covers at least. I do use some baby proofing devices but let’s afford them an accurately descriptive name.

Let’s call baby proofing what it actually is: an extra 15 seconds. When things are baby proofed they buy you a short amount of unsupervised time (approx 15 seconds) before the baby busts into the cabinet, light socket, ______  but baby proofed area.

Baby proofing devices are like little baby puzzles. It’s a new toy for them. Once they figure out the code “push down then pull”, it’s over. Now you have a few seconds of looking at a cell phone or whatever before you hear all the effing pots fall out of the cabinet.

Let’s face it, items made for babies aren’t even baby proof. Nate has smashed his chin on his FOAM mat after body slamming into it and hit himself in the face with a hard plastic musical instrument.

So if you’re planning on baby proofing and then sipping on a cup of coffee while your baby runs around in his walker. Think again. You’ll get up 30 + times to: move the garbage can; shut a door; move him away for a vent; remove an electronic from the coffee table; move a coaster from the coffee table; move him away from a vent again; put away the dog food; move the crap on the bottom shelf to the top of his changing table...you get the picture.

Baby proofing is an oxymoron. Your home will never be ready for a baby. Make peace. And let’s stop the running joke of phrases like “I’m baby proofing the ________ today.”

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