Help Needed: Where Do I Begin With BDSM

Hello
I read your blog and was very intrigued. I have a guy I am dating and he has a heel and hose fetish. Him and I wearing. Tells me he is "not vanilla". I am trying to get him to tell me more and I myself am learning. He said he would like to be a sub and me Dom. Not sure where to begin.

E.
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Dear E.:

You have come to the right place. Unfortunately, I an sick right now and about to nap, but when I get up again I will address your question. It is fairly easy and will be fun to learn about each other. The one thing I want to ask is what do you feel your role is? Submissive or dominant? Most know their role for years and others just kind of fall into place.

MJ
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Hope you start to feel better.
I think my role is more sub now but feel a Dom role will be fun and easy to transition too.  I have a very successful career, head of household and sometimes just want someone else to do all the work.
Talk soon
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Dear E.:

Sorry, after getting back to work and having a big project dumped in my lap I can finally get to your predicament (Readers, I had been sick for a little while before I could respond).

Seeing as you are more sub, do you feel you can take on the role as a Domme to your boyfriend and not feel like you still need that submissive side played with? If you cannot live without the submissive side, you need to make sure that this guy is aware and that he too will have to take on a Dom role from time to time to make you feel balance or he will have to accept the fact that you might need to find someone that is a Dom to fill in the gaps where you need them.

Personally I have gone through that with the last person that I dated and things went to shit because it was all about him and his needs but never once was it about my needs or the things that I wanted out of our relationship. I tried communicating this to him but it seemed to go in one ear and out the other.

If you feel this guy will reciprocate, make sure that you set that as a ground rule and if you feel your needs are not being met, then he needs to step up and do something or you should withhold all activities until he can get it wrapped around his head that this is a two way street and your needs are not being met. Communicate these feelings to him as soon as you notice a slip or you might find yourself in a rut like I was.

Now once you have set that ground rule, the fun stuff can be discussed. I recommend that the two of you sit down one night, preferably on a weekend so you have more time to discuss things, and go over a kink list. Ask him what he is into, what he isn't, and things that he might like to try. This will give you a clue as to what type of submissive he is.

I also recommend a couple of books for your reading pleasure to kind of get a mindset for yourself as you are delving into the realm of the Dominant woman. One book I highly recommend for beginning dommes is The Sensual Art of Female Dominance, written by a Mistress. This book was a great tool for me as I am more of a sensual domme. I like playing with men and their sexuality and they love of sex, the tease and denial type. This also includes a few types of bondage that involve his penis, and also gives you a few ideas on what to do as far as body bondage. The second book I recommend is The Loving Dominant, written by a Dom that has a PhD and is a therapist. This gentleman explains that BDSM is nothing bad, that everyone has a kink and not to put down someone over their kink. He also explains that you should not feel bad for being who you are or what you are, which I highly agree with. Not everyone is this status quo "normal" as society wants us to be so why should we live our lies like such?

Now one thing you will have to remember, if there is a type of kink that he is into and you have never heard of, you can research it. If it is something that you are not into then you can discuss it and find out if it is something he can or cannot live without. Do not make him feel weird or down him for his kink, not everyone is into the same things but this does not allow us to use that against our loved ones. For example, I have a couple of guys that love water sports and a few that dislike it. For me it does nothing, but at the same time it shows dominance in a way, much like other animals in the kingdom, by "marking" ones territory. This did bother me at first, but I eventually got over it, but this does not mean that I will do it with the guys that are not into this type of play. When they cringe and make sounds of disgusts I tell them not to knock someone else's kink. Not everyone has the same kinks. Like your boyfriends like of pantyhose both on himself and on you, not every woman would be into it, but this is something that is harmless and easy to get over.

You do need to also set some limits, things that you will not do no matter how much he begs you to do them. Most are standard for me and are as follows:
kids
animals
scat
blood
blood letting
cutting
needles
tight bondage (the type that cuts off circulation)
beating to a pulp

Once you have established your limits, ground rules and discussed your fetishes with each other, it should be happy sailing down the S&M river of fun. Feel free to reach out to me in the future if there is anything that you need to discuss or need help trying to figure out. I am always here to help, sometimes it just takes a little bit for me to get back when I am busy with work.

MJ

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    Mistress Julie

    I have been in the Chicago BDSM scene for a little over 12 years. I am not serious like many people are, but I also do not take what I do lightly. I have dabbled in many kinky things and currently working on perfecting my bondage techniques. My main goal is to bring the BDSM scene to vanillas that are interested in it in a non-freaky way. This is not only a blog about what I am doing or have done but a place for you to ask questions and hopefully learn more about the scene then what you think is real in porn. Trust me, porn is not real!

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