Advice: Finding The Right Mistress

Here is the first email I am responding to that I have received asking for advice.

 

Mistress Julie-

First, I would like to thank you for starting your very interesting and informative blog on ChicagoNow.  I have found it to be an intriguing view into the world of a Mistress and how the BDSM world really works.  Secondly, I had a few questions for you that I was hoping you might be willing to answer through email, or blog if you would like.  As a submissive, I have found it very difficult to find the right Mistress for me.  It is my desire to find someone who is looking for a longer relationship between Mistress and sub and often times I find that the people I come across are looking for their "payment" or "tribute" and really don't care if we ever cross paths again.  As a submissive, who is looking for something more, this can be very discouraging.  How would you suggest a submissive go about finding the Mistress that is right for them?  Also, do you required your sub's to provide a "tribute" to you for your time or do you do this as more of a lifestyle choice?  Finally, what qualities do you look for in a potential submissive and how do you weed out the males who are obviously in this for completely the wrong reasons?

Thank you very much for your time, and I look forward to your responses.

J~

Dear J:

I want to thank you for reading my blog and I hope it has been a little informative thus far. It is new and I have been busy with my work life as well as finding my alpha that I have not been blogging as much as I had wanted to. This will change soon enough.

I am sorry to hear that your search has been difficult. I have the same issue when seeking a submissive/slave over the years, but you just have to stay in the saddle and hope for the best. I have had my fair share of those that send messages to kidnap them (ILLEGAL), that they have no limits and you can do whatever you want to them ("Can I kill you?") and those that just want to wank off to a story they are making you tell them. Eventually you push through all the shit and you find that one person that you have been looking for all your life and they seem perfect. Well, there might be an issue with that. I am currently finding this out slowly with the Bulldog as I have not seen him since the first night he submitted to me and pledged his loyalty. We had a deal for Monday and work got in the way and now it is Wednesday and I have not heard form him in 2 days. Makes a Domme wonder if he is having second thoughts, even though he was on board all the time, or was he just faking and wanted to have that first experience with a real Domme. I guess I will find out soon enough! Just remember to keep your guard up at all times until you know for sure that they are real.

Now to answer your questions:

How would you suggest a submissive go about finding the Mistress that is right for them? I do not know what suggestions you would like to hear that would help you. As I stated above it is difficult in all aspects of the lifestyle and sometimes you just have to weed through all the bullshit until you find that diamond in the rough. I recommend a website called CollarMe. I have had a few successes and a lot more disappointments, but you just have to truck on. it is a terrible things to say but if you want to play the game you have to be willing to make a few sacrifices, only way to score some how.

Also, do you required your sub's to provide a "tribute" to you for your time or do you do this as more of a lifestyle choice? I have never, in the time that I have been in the lifestyle, asked for a "tribute" or "payment". These are Pro Dominatrices that ask for such things before you are even allowed to meet with them. I can honestly say that I have thought about going pro, but in reality it would never work. I get attached to those that I am playing with in many ways and to try and keep that level of the lifestyle up would be rather difficult. I have also found and heard that many of these Pro Dominatrices are not real, all they are after is people to give them things. The first guy I had ever played with bought me my first set of leather cuffs that I still use to this day. I never asked him to buy them, he took me shopping and asked me what I liked. I wish he still kept in contact, but he fell off the radar when i started dating my ex. It was not for the things that he would buy when he did, but it is more so for the conversations we would have and he was also gorgeous. My friends at Tina's Place called him Mr. Kennedy because he looked like he was from that family.

Finally, what qualities do you look for in a potential submissive and how do you weed out the males who are obviously in this for completely the wrong reasons? This is an excellent question to ask. What I look for in a submissive/slave is very little. I want to know what their experience is in the lifestyle, when is the last time they were with a Domme and why it ended, I ask for a checklist so I know what it is they are into, what they are willing to try as well as their limits. Of course I also require a photo that is G rated of their face and or body as well as a picture of their penis when hard. The reason for the face photos is so I know what they look like before hand and if I want to have further interaction with them and the penis picture is to see how I will tease them about it. I have spoken with a guy that told me in person that he was 6 inches hard and the first night we played he was barely 4. A person like me kn0ws the measurement from one side of her hand to the other (3.5 inches) and when you grab hold of it for CBT and it just barely peeks out the other side you have been busted.

How I weed out the fakes from the flakes is sometimes see how long they keep up the vanilla conversations with me. For instance, the Bulldog and I spoke for 3 weeks before I took the initiative and decided that night I was going to come over to his place and see if he was for real and took him. Others drop out after just a day, some start talking dirty and I know they are only looking to get off. The more dedicated they are in the conversations the more you know they are actually interested. Another way I weed out subs is by asking what their limits are. If they tell me no limits I will then say "Interesting, so why don't you come over and I will slit your throat and watch you die." This quickly makes them realize that they do need to set limits and sometimes they appreciate it and other times they again fall off the face of the planet. I am all about a good mind fuck, but do not tell me you have no limits. Another good one I like to threaten them with is sex with another man. I do not mind bisexuals, they are so much fun to play with, but the straight boys that say they have no limits all of a sudden go all "You are a sick fuck" and nor realize that I just pushed their button and proven they do have limits.

Personally though, I seek a sub that I can take to a charity event, a work function or even if I dare go to a ChicagoNow event, and he would fit in. I do not want to live my life 24/7/365 in the lifestyle since it is not feasible with a vanilla work life as well as a vanilla social life. I want him to know that when I put the collar on his neck that it is play time and he will be ready for whatever we do, from going to a public dungeon, playing at home, or even venturing out into the vanilla world for a little private yet public play. He must not be a doormat that is a yes ma'am all the time, I expect him to have an opinion and a say in the things that we do. The other night i was speaking with the Bulldog about sounds after someone shared a clip from a porn site that showed a man having an orgasm with a vibrating sound and another where the woman was using the rosebud sounds to open his urethra so she could stick her finger into the head of his cock. Personally I thought it was HOT, but Bulldog and I had a discussion about it and I was curious if he has ever had it done before. He said he has tried it a couple of times and would be open to me doing it if it pleased me. Of course it pleases me, but the dangers involve with using sounds would bring a new level of trust between us but I would also like to know what he thoughts are on the practice and if he really had an interest in it or was just doing it for my benefit. As I said in a previous post, this is all about what each of us wants not just one person.

I love to experiment with various different things in the lifestyle so I would need a partner that is open to things, like the rosebud sounds, some medical play, breath play, watersports, bondage, suspension, long term chastity, fetish wear, public play, pony and puppy play, fisting, assplay, orgasm denial, ruined orgasms, multiple orgasms, milking, CBT, whipping, flogging, e-stimulation, candle waxing, breast play, bi play, making him furniture, foot worship, body worship, queening, TPE, and would love to find me a pain slut.

Here is a Glossary list of BDSM terms as well.

Hopefully I answered your questions and please feel free to follow up if there is anything else you would like to know about me, about the lifestyle, details about anything I might have mentioned above as well as anything that I might have left out in answering your questions.

Mistress Julie

Stay delicious Chicago!

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    Mistress Julie

    I have been in the Chicago BDSM scene for a little over 12 years. I am not serious like many people are, but I also do not take what I do lightly. I have dabbled in many kinky things and currently working on perfecting my bondage techniques. My main goal is to bring the BDSM scene to vanillas that are interested in it in a non-freaky way. This is not only a blog about what I am doing or have done but a place for you to ask questions and hopefully learn more about the scene then what you think is real in porn. Trust me, porn is not real!

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