Since I am nine times more likely to die from a TV falling on my head this year than winning the Mega Millions Lottery, I can only hope it happens while Oprah Winfrey, Katie Couric and other really rich, self-important people are clawing at each other this week for more attention on television.
Good God, I don't know what's worse -- watching the Good Morning, America on-air staff continually fawn over Katie Couric -- Gayle King (desperate to increase her ratings on the CBS Morning Show program) remind me for the zillionth time that Oprah, aka "The Queen," is her BFF -- or seeing Matt Lauer and Ann Curry constantly promote a "big surprise" and "legend" on their Today Show program.
I wasn't sure if Sarah Palin flying into New York from Alaska to be a co-host was the big surprise or Meredith Vieira flying to London this summer to cover the Olympics. Geez, I'm all agog over their airline itineraries!!
As for the "legend," who I learned was Meredith, I thought they may have been speaking of Ryan Seacrest. The reverential promo for him made it sound like he had just discovered a cure for late-stage melanoma. If this is the best they can do at NBC, please change your channel to a repeat of "My Three Sons" or "Murder She Wrote." I guarantee that you will be much more entertained and informed by Uncle Charlie and Jessica Fletcher.
Sarah Palin reading newspapers on The Today Show. Get it? Oh, now that is funny.
Really, by the constant and unrelenting build-up, I thought The Beatles (including the dead ones) were coming back for a reunion.
Or, perhaps OJ was ready to reveal where he dumped the bloody clothes.
Neither one has happened. By the way, did someone lose Tom Brokaw's speed dial number?
While I am at it, when did Star Jones become the go-to commentator for legal and life issues at NBC? She is not only ill-informed on many occasions. But, if my memory serves me correctly, she needed some ethics training at ABC, where she seemed to pimp herself out for wedding gifts on "The View." But, I digress....
At GMA, it is the Yuk it up show. There isn't a quip, comment or set-up which fails to send Robin Roberts, George Stephanopoulos, Lara Spencer, Josh Elliott and weatherman Sam Champion into a giggle fest. The shrillness, induced by their cackling over the most inane bit, is enough to make the top of my head blow off. Since Robin is on vacation this week (apparently needing vocal rest from laughing so hard), Katie is now the designated Lucille Ball.
Watch Katie try to get up early and slam her alarm clock (ala The Three Stooges).....or, see Katie practice her dance dips with Derek Hough for yet another ad nauseum "Dancing with the Stars" segment....or listen to Katie kid around with George about her losing Mega Millions Lottery ticket. Boo-hoo-hoo -- I was really worried that Katie wasn't going to be able to swing her mortgage payment this month.
Better yet....and COMING UP....(oh, I can barely contain my excitement.)...Katie will sit down and interview a former Housewife of Beverly Hills, Camille Grammar. I guess the dollar signs in Katie's eyes will help her forget that she once worked as a reporter covering the State Department, interviewing substantial human beings like General Colin Powell.
While over at The Today Show set, Sarah Palin will join Tori Spelling, who we learn is pregnant with her fourth child, for a segment promoting her latest tome. (I beg you, Harper Lee, write another great American novel). Of course, Tori has some decorating tips thrown in with parenting advice. If Tori doesn't want to throw up from her most recent pregnancy, I can do it for her.
Oh, and I have to believe that Ann Curry (never a great interviewer and looking somber) is begging to book her next trip to Darfur with George Clooney. She is best on the road, especially with her courageous trips to Africa. Unfortunately, she panders or grovels with her studio guests -- and my favorite is when she interrupts them with:
"I want to ask you an important question, but we only have a few seconds for you to answer...." But, I will ask my tedious question in the remaining time it may take for you to answer, and then we will go to a commercial. Take note, smarmy Piers Morgan.
Is there a pill these people can take to stop this disease? Because I am one step away from seeking medical attention. They border on shameless - and by "they," I mean every single television executive who thinks we all want to hear this drivel. Does the media really need to stuff this less-than-appealing garbage down our throats and pretend it's useful information?
I say that we call Dr. Oz, who will gladly let us know what excrement they are sharing with their audience.
One thing I am sure of -- there must be a better way for me to start my day.