Oh, how I wish Oprah Winfrey had not worn white stretch pants back in January as she introduced OWN TV. Despite the major media hype, the wardrobe misstep (doesn't she have a stylist at her beck and call?) was a precursor for this cable channel's cringe-inducing programming.
Discovery Communications has invested hundreds of millions of dollars for the privilege of using Oprah's moniker and acceding to her taste in television. For a woman who has the golden touch, the current slate of shows are annoying, grating and insulting.
Everyone seems to be lost. Then found.
Let's start with Sarah Ferguson, aka the Duchess of York. Oprah decided that she could use a little help getting out of debt.
In "Finding Sarah," our hearts are supposed to weigh heavy for Sarah, children's book author, former pitch-woman for Weight Watchers and shamed sting operation player, busted by a British tabloid for trying to sell access to Prince Andrew. She certainly knew how to get a hold of Andrew quickly, since she is still living in a "royal" house.
Dr. Phil McGraw & Sarah Ferguson, www.oprah.com
Cut to Sarah, walking the streets of Manhattan, grieving the loss of her skyscraper office, where she conducted her many business deals. Never fear, there sits smarmy Dr. Phil, who will get to the bottom of her angst. Suze Orman will zero in on Sarah's shaky grasp on reality and lack of self-esteem.
As I think about the mortgage foreclosures in Chicago, I can only manage a big, freaking "Boo Hoo!" So, where did all that $10million dollars go? More importantly, why did Oprah think that we should care?
Appearing next is Tatum O'Neal, former child star, heroin addict and ex-Mrs. Brat to John McEnroe, is appearing with her father in "The O'Neals." She has also just published "Found: A Daughter's Journey Home." This is Tatum's second autobiography -- (that's right -- she has already lived two lifetimes).
The only way that Tatum could manage a third book, would be for Oprah's network to film a complete relapse LIVE on OWN in the East Village.
No doubt, the book was meant to coincide with the Father's Day debut of this boring reality show. Take a stroll along Malibu Beach with Daddy Ryan, and you will feel like the most normal person in the universe.
"The O'Neals," www.oprah.com
So, here is Oprah, the woman who professes to put the viewer first, clearly showing that she may need a moral compass to get back in touch.
If Shania Twain weren't so appealing in another OWN show, "Why Not?" - that would also be on the hit list. In the meantime, I am on the edge of my seat just wondering if millionaire Shania can make it a second time in the music biz.
I only hope that, while she is away filming, Shania can find someone to take care of her Swiss chateau.
Filed under: Kelly's Vent-i-lation