It may not be possible to tell if a man is a good lover simply by looking at him but there are some definite signs to look for when determining if he will be worth his salt between the sheets. It is worth noting that celebrities don’t have to be good to get laid. Most women would jump at the chance to roll in the hay with a star even if there were rumors that he was impotent. Fame has been a panty dropper since the beginning of time but it is clear that not all celebrities are equally skilled.
Through the analysis of interviews, photographs, video clips and other extensive research I have determined which male celebrities would be the best in bed. Disclaimer, I have never been intimate with any of the celebrities featured in this article. The following is just a hypothesis or rather a combination of an educated guess and a vivid fantasy. Enjoy!
Profession: 42nd President of the United States; public speaker; humanitarian
J.O.Y. Love Nickname: “The Ladies’ Man”
Signs he would be an awesome lover: Mr. Clinton is not only tall and handsome but he is also charismatic and down to earth. Having an encounter with a former president could certainly be intimidating but he would be able to put you at ease with his charm. Mr. Clinton sincerely loves women. All of them. He isn’t picky.
No need to be insecure about your weight or your awkward nose; Big Dog won’t care! He’ll make love to you despite your flaws. Mr. Clinton seems to have an insatiable sex drive. Even though he’s of mature age he won’t need any Viagra. I’m almost certain he’d be ready to go whenever you called.
How it would go down: He would invite you into his study then play a couple of tunes on his saxophone to get you in the mood. He’d lure you over to his desk and pull out a case of his finest cigars from the drawer. He’d then sit down, recline back…and I think you know the rest.
Warnings: Mr. Clinton has been known to be a bit messy so don’t wear your favorite dress to this rendezvous unless you’re willing to deal with the dry cleaning. Also, if you’re prone to hurt feelings don’t bother. He will deny the fact that he had “sexual relations” with you in a heartbeat. To make this one work you will have to learn to keep your mouth shut about your legs being open.
Profession: Lead Vocalist of German Industrial Metal Band Rammstein; poet; actor; licensed pyrotechnician
J.O.Y. Love Nickname: “The Sex Machine”
Signs he would be an awesome lover: He is 6’4, 220 pounds of pure German sexiness. Everything about Till is larger than life and that probably includes his man parts and his bedroom skills. Most of his lyrics depict tales of love, lust, seduction and sex so it’s pretty obvious that he has all of the above on his mind. He sings with a dark passion that is just waiting to be released behind closed doors.
It has been reported that Till used to get into fights with his parents when he was a teenager because they were disappointed in him for having relations with so many different young ladies. He continued to be very sexually driven throughout his adult life as evidenced by the many lovers he has been linked to in the media. It is clear that Till has the drive, the experience and the passion necessary to be an unforgettable lover.
How it would go down: He would grab you from behind, push you against the wall, pull your hair and skillfully thrust his chiseled body upon you until you pass out from a combination of pleasure and pain. He would then scoop you up, toss you over his shoulder and carry you toward the bedroom. After you’ve finally regained consciousness, he’d put his lips close to your ear and whisper in his melodic baritone voice “Wollt ihr bett in flammen sehen?” (Would you like to see the bed in flames?)
Warnings: Till is a strong, powerful and aggressive man. After a night with him you may not be able to walk for a month and you may not ever bear children again. Indulge at your own risk. Also, he is not one to be tied down so don’t get too attached.
Profession: model; spokesperson; actor
J.OY. Love Nickname: “The Dream Lover”
Signs he would be a great lover: Is there any indication that Fabio wouldn’t be great in bed? He is the personification of romance. He is tall, tan and sculpted perfectly. His face is flawless despite that incident with the goose on the roller coaster. And his long, golden locks scream “I’ll make love to you.” Fabio is a walking Boyz II Men song.
He has modeled on the cover of countless romance novels and he has probably learned a thing or two from reading the books that he has been featured on. If there was ever any doubt in your mind that Fabio is the ultimate lover, Fabio After Dark details the sweet and sultry things that he would do to you.
How it would go down: He would whisk you away to a tropical island with just your tooth brush and a bikini (his words, not mine). He’d hold you close as the sun was setting over the ocean. Then he’d tickle your skin by gliding a long-stemmed rose up and down your body until all of the petals fell off as he murmured sweet nothings with his smoldering European accent.
Warnings: A night with Fabio will probably be one of the most romantic evenings of your life but you may become nauseated by the sweetness of the encounter. There is sure to be lots of candle lit hot tubing and champagne drinking which is a recipe for a really bad hangover. Also, you will probably be sensuously meandering around second and third base for the entire evening and into the morning so be sure to make this date a 48 hour affair if you ever want to see home base.
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