When it comes to the arts and entertainment love, sex and dating are the most talked about subjects. Most of your favorite movies, poems and songs are probably about relationships. And I’m sure you have your own playlist of relationship songs. Maybe you have several love, sex and dating playlists, perhaps one compilation for each previous relationship. But what you’re probably missing is a playlist of the worst love, sex and dating songs. No worries. J.O.Y. Love has you covered. Below are the top 8 worst love, sex and dating songs!
Although these songs should be last in line for a Grammy due to terrible lyrics or horrendous singing or both they are still pretty fun to listen to whether you would like to admit it or not. And most importantly thinking about these songs critically will give you a good laugh. When discussing love, sex and dating whether with your partner or amongst your friends it’s absolutely necessary to have a sense of humor. So relax, rock out and enjoy making fun of 8 of the worst love, sex and dating songs in recent history!
8. Super Bass- Nicki Minaj
This song is about a man who has Nicki Minaj’s “heartbeat running away.” In the first verse she sets the stage and explains to us listeners just why this guy is so swoon worthy. She so eloquently states “He cold/he dope/he might sell coke/ he always in the air but he never fly coach.” Hmmm…perhaps she means he is a distributor for Coca-Cola, that would explain why he is always traveling. And I supposed he worked really hard and met all of his quotas distributing soda and that’s why he gets to fly first class and never has to ride coach. I wish that’s what Ms. Minaj was boasting about but unfortunately I think she is bragging about the fact that her crush deals drugs. She may want to think about the ramifications of his lifestyle before she lets her heartbeat run too far away with Mr. Super Bass. If he is in fact slinging coke and if he travels as much as she claims, first class or otherwise, he is probably trafficking drugs across state lines. If he gets caught he could go away for a long time so I hope she doesn’t get too attached.
Another line of this song that I take objection to is after she brags about all of his illegal income she states “that’s the kinda dude I was lookin fo’/ and yes you’ll get slapped if you lookin’ hoe.” Dang Nicki, why do I have to be a whore simply for looking? And for the record I wasn’t even looking at your felon of a boyfriend, I just couldn’t help but to stare at your clownish hair and makeup! Sorry, Nicki Minaj, your song Super Bass is super dumb.
The lyrics to this song are so elementary they are almost nonsensical but somehow this was a hit. The song starts as follows, “I want to tease you/I want to please you/I want to show you baby/that I need you/ I want your body/ 'til the very last drop/ I want you to holler when you want me to stop.” It sounds like a horny high schooler’s creative writing project gone wrong. “I want you to holler when you want me to stop?” What’s that line all about? Why don’t they just pick a “safe word” so she doesn’t have to holler when things have gone too far. I guess that would just make too much sense now wouldn’t it.
Keith Sweat goes on presumptuously claiming (through a series of rhetorical questions) that nobody can love like him, nobody can sex like him, nobody can do it all night long like him. I’m curious as to how he can make these claims. Did he survey every man in the neighborhood to figure out how long they can last? Did he even bother to ask his woman if she ever had any better? No! He just asks an endless string of worthless questions that he thinks he already has the answer to.
I think this song is supposed to be smooth and sexy R&B but there is not one iota of sexiness in Keith Sweat’s nasally voice. He sounds like he is suffering from a chronic sinus infection. Keith Sweat, who do you think is getting off to your whining disguised as crooning? Answer, NOBODY!
6. Control-Puddle of Mudd
Let’s jump right into this overrated song. This is the chorus that unfortunately got stuck in my head as I was working on this article: “I need to feel you/you need to feel me/ I can’t control you/you’re not the one for me/ no/ I can’t control you/ you can’t control me/ I need to feel you/ so why’s there even/you and me.” And this is the infamous bridge: “I love the way you look at me/ I love the way you smack my ass/ I love the dirty things you do/ when I have control of you”. I think this song attempts to be provocative and sexy but Wes Scantlin’s unfortunate looks and irritating voice kind of ruin it. Mr. Scantlin’s “singing” sounds like the alternative rocker version of the aforementioned nasally Keith Sweat’s whining. Ewww.
And I hate to be so rigid about gender roles but traditionally isn’t the man supposed to spank the woman? Or am I just being a prude here? Fellas, I’m not judging, it’s okay if you like to get tied up and spanked just don’t broadcast it in an awesomely bad song that tries to be deep, dark and racey. I think these lyrics attempt to capture the depth and the darkness of power plays that go on in sexual relationships. This song really did try but it failed, epically. These guys need to take some notes from Nine Inch Nails and Rammstein on how to write dark and sexy lyrics. Check out my upcoming article on the top 10 hottest sex songs to see how it’s done. Wes Scantlin, leave it to the pros next time. Puddle of Mudd, this song is a puddle of $&!T!
5. Like a Real Freak –R. Kelly
I struggled with whether to put this on the worst love, sex and dating songs list or if I should have included it on the list of hottest sex songs. The instrumentals to this song are great. And I can’t really take anything away from R. Kelly, he is a love, sex and dating song legend. But let’s keep it real, this song is a little silly. He is supposed to be singing about spectacular sex as usual (it’s part of his brand). But he opens this song with, “Money. Cash. Cars. Clothes. Money. Cash. Cars., Clothes.” I’m confused about how Mr. Kelly’s material possessions are relevant to this story that’s suppose to be about sex. Did he buy the sex? Well, perhaps he did because later on in the song there is a line that goes as follows, “You makin’ me wanna spend my cash on you, cause can’t nobody freak me like you do.” Is this woman he’s crooning about a prostitute or is she some lady that he bribed to have sex with him? What exactly is going on here?
If we weren’t already confused enough R. Kelly continues with this, “2006 drop top parked at home/and I’ll be hittin’ that piece the whole night long/girl the sex so good I just can’t get enough/even though your friends say I’m a thug.” How did his material possessions get into the picture again. What does his car have to do with his sex life? And then there’s the chorus: “ You go up and down/ to the left and the right/you go in and out/and work it like a real freak should.” That sounds more like a game of hokey pokey than real sex. I actually get kind of motion sick listening to all of his “up and down” “left then right” nonsense.
At least he totally commits to his asinine lyrics and sings them with emotion. I have to give him that. But this song still makes it on the list of worst love, sex and dating songs. What does he mean “like a real freak should”? Was there a threat of counterfeit freaks that we weren’t aware of? Well, I’m so relieved that the freaky female lead in this song got the Robert Kelly stamp of approval. I hope she was of age. R. Kelly, how about you learn how to talk about sex like a real man should. No more of this hokey pokey garbage!
4. Sexual Attention-3T
This is a somewhat obscure song from the Pop/R&B boy band 3T. The members of 3T, Taj, Taryll and TJ are Michael Jackson’s nephews. This song isn’t terrible but the fact of the matter is I don’t want to hear about the sexual needs of Tito Jackson’s sons. And unfortunately their prepubescent sounding voices ruin whatever hope this song could have had. Their pleads for sexual attention aren’t even convincing. They need to take some lessons from R. Kelly on how to sing with some passion. I am a huge fan of the entire Jackson family, even one hit wonder Rebbie, but if anyone of them is going to be singing about anything sexual it better be Janet “miss jackson if ya nasty” Jackson. She is the only Jackson sultry enough to pull off singing about sex.
Furthermore, I’m really not a fan of the lyrics “Sexual attention/ baby I should mention/ there’s something that I need from you.” Sounds a little passive aggressive don’t you think? I picture one of the boys from 3T leaving a post-it note on the bathroom mirror for his girlfriend that reads something like this:
“Oh by the way honey, I was thinking that I should mention (in case you weren’t already aware) there is something that I need from you. Some ATTENTION, maybe? *hint ,hint.. wink, wink*
Baby Tito <3
3T, the next time you have sexual needs that aren’t being met don’t release a half a$$ed song about it. Grow up and take matters into your own hands.
3.Freek N’ You-Jodeci
“Freek N’ You” ? What does that even mean. Is that a euphemism for f—king you? I like a man that says what he means and means what he says. These make believe words have got to go! I understand an artist’s need to comply with censorship laws so that they can get play on the radio air waves but the over use of the word “freak” and “freakin'” is completely inexcusable here. Take the bridge for example:
“Freak out and freak me up and down…Every freek’n night and every freek’n day/ I want to freak you baby/in every freek’n way/every freek’n day and every freek’n night/ I wanna freak you girl/your body’s so freek’n tight”
Ten “freaks”! Is that really necessary? Also, throughout the song there is an obnoxious amount of whining, adlibbing, and moaning. These men need to suck it up and just ask for what they want instead of whining and moaning about it. Honestly, if somebody came up to me begging and whining about wanting to “freak me”. I’d freak out and start screaming to the top of my lungs “Shut up and get away from me you FREAK!” And that would be the end of that interaction. Jodeci, this song freakin’ sucks!
2.He’s mine- MoKenStef
The premise of this song epitomizes what is wrong with society. “He’s mine/you may have had him once/but I got him all the time” Really, MoKenStef ? Do you truly believe that he was only with that other woman once? That may be what he told you but the truth is once a cheater always a cheater. You may have only caught him once but trust me, there were several other occasions. There are multiple fallacies in this song. “He may be doin’ you but he’s thinkin’ about me.” You believed that lie too? Sweetheart, while he is pumpin’ and humpin’ on top of another woman I guarantee that he’s not thinking about you.
Not only is this song completely idiotic it’s downright obnoxious. MoKenStef continues with “You went out on a date/you wasn’t out to late/he took you to a room/and you gave it up to soon/he played you like a trick/’cause you let him hit//now he’s comin’ home/to a lover that is strong.” Is this woman completely delusional? She thinks it’s the other woman who got played and not her? And she goes on for the entire song bragging that this scumbag belongs exclusively to her all while trying to make the other woman feel bad. MoKenStef, hang it up and go get tested for STDs pronto!
1. Romeo & Juliet- Sylk E. Fyne feat. Chill
And without further ado the #1 spot goes to….Romeo & Juliet! This song took the #1 spot for several reasons. Let’s take a look at the chorus for starters. “It’s like Romeo & Juliet /hot sex on a platter just to get you wet/ you’re about to get in something you will never regret/and it’s gonna be the bomb this is what I bet/yup!” Ugh. “Hot sex on a platter just to get you wet”? Why am I on a platter? Are you a cannibal? Are you literally going to eat me? Nothing about this song gets me wet unless you count the tears of frustration that are streaming down my face from listening to this garbage. And really Sylk E. Fyne you’re telling me that if I get involved with you I’ll never regret it? I beg to differ. And another thing, do you really need to cosign your own statement with a self aggrandizing “Yup”?
And what’s with the Romeo and Juliet reference? Am I the only one who’s skeptical of Sylk E. Fyne’s interest in Shakespeare? Did he even see the play? I know he didn’t read it. This song has nothing to do with Romeo & Juliet. Romeo & Juliet was a tragedy about two young lovers torn apart by a family feud. This song is about utter nonsense.
For example let’s take Chill’s line, “I don’t sleep around because it’s sleazy/good lesson taught by big homey Eazy,” Yes, Eazy-E did in fact die of AIDS related complications and perhaps he had one too many partners but if he’s actually your homey as you so claim, Chill, is it really necessary to throw him under the bus for the sake of finding a word that rhymes with “sleazy”? I didn’t think so. Chill, Sylk E. Fyne this song is a hot crap on a platter!
Which songs made your list of the worst love, sex and dating songs? Please share in the comment section.
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