What have we learned from London 2012?

What have we learned from London 2012?
Yes, but during the zombie apocalypse he'll be the MOST valuable.

Every two years I take a breath, put everything down and prepare to watch hours and hours of people doing some very random things. This Olympic obsession began in 2004 exclusively because of the late-night company provided by actual live television.

While not everything is as exciting as watching grown men on skates try to make one-other’s future dental appointments painful and interesting, there is definitely value in observing the things some people spend entire lives devoted to.

And while we’ll likely forget who those people are in four years (or next week), the lessons will live forever.

Here’s what I’ve taken from the London 2012 Summer Olympics:

- I still don’t get NBCSN.

- NBC has ADD.

- It took an average male three days to figure out what London’s Olympic logo actually depicted (“LO 12”).

- McDonald’s and Coca-Cola sponsor the Olympics. Because America.

- Some of these skills will be useful post-apocalypse. Many won’t.

- Tight shirts instead of bikinis on women volleyball players? No problem.

- Women weightlifters aren’t humongous. That’s terrifying.

- If we’d just learn the metric system, we could tell a whole lot more about who’s winning stuff.

- Synchronizing makes almost anything cooler.

- There is a worse place than basketball hell: off the podium by less than half a second.

- Gymnastics is a stone cold bitch.

- But their judges could probably solve our global financial crisis.

- It is still undetermined if female gymnasts turn into wrinkly midgets once their taut ponytails are taken down.

- “Russian domination” still sounds scary.

- If you think you might win, at least learn how to mouth the Star Spangled Banner.

- “Stroke seat” is a thing.

- “Women’s breast gold medalist” is also a thing. And I want that t-shirt.

- Being a handball goalie sucks.

- You get to wear pajamas to Judo.

- “Here come the Russians,” “The Russians came to battle today,” “The Russians are taking over.” All scary.

- If you just shave your head, you get to not look like an alien when you swim.

- Michael Phelps is the only person in the world allowed to take a call on his Blackberry from atop an Olympic podium.

- “Trampoline judge”: actual gig.

- Table tennis players seem to be making things purposely harder on themselves.

- Professional athletes are pretty good at the Olympics.

- I’d like to see Misty May-Trainer and Kerri Walsh-Jennings play Venus and Serena Williams at badminton. Or anything.

- Kerri Walsh-Jennings may actually be part wall.

- I could literally watch pole vault all day long. Are you kidding? I’d watch anybody do that. Literally. All day. More, please.

- The women of track and field are also kind of wearing bikinis. And nobody complains.

- You could drive across some countries in the time it takes to perform their National Anthems.

- Russian gymnasts dance to Russian music. American gymnasts also dance to Russian music. Romanian gymnasts dance to Pink Floyd.

- Gymnasts are all addicted to helium.

- If Bela Karolyi yells inquiry, YOU INQUIRE.

- The next Cool Runnings should be about an Olympic sand volleyball team from England.

- There are a lot of people in the world with unbelievably strong ankles.

- A cannonball is not a dive.

- Some of these track and field participants could probably stop jumping at the end and win. Just keep running, guys, you look pretty fast.

- Everybody looks amateurish while throwing a javelin.

- The U.S. women really brought it this year: gymnastics, judo, water polo, beach volleyball, soccer, some running, swimming and more gold medals than I can remember. Congrats. And, again – I’m absolutely terrified of you all.

- Shark Week begins the very day the Olympics end. Because America.

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