A recurring Mother's Day question (besides the "Do we really need all these holidays?") since remarrying 2 and a half years ago has been who to bestow my extreme levels of love, honor, and gratitude upon. Should mom or the Mrs. reap the benefit of all of my generosity of wallet and spirit. I'm fortunate to have both. In fact, based on her bloodlines, my mother will probably outlive me and most of the planet.
Of course the easy answer to what I should do and one I have voiced in the past is, "You're not my mother, you're my wife" which is then quickly followed by "Yeah, but I'm the mother of your child(ren)." If, however, you are married to a woman with whom you don't have children, this is not a problem for you. But, through choices I've made and the odd way that nature seems to work, I know have to make a decision since I have both a mother and a wife who is the mother of my 15-month old daughter.
This problem manifests itself as I contemplate just what it is I'm supposed to buy. How about a nice card? Isn't that good enough for both of them? Not hardly.
If gifts have to be given to both a mother and a wife, the gift-giving dynamic is quite different. Simply picking out a Mother's Day gift is difficult enough, but as I get older and therefore so does everyone else, what am I supposed to buy?
With both women in mind, I walked through a local mall this week without an idea in my head. I walked by Victoria's Secrets -- Mom? Don't think so. Don't want to think about that. I cringed when she wore her robe around the house when I was 10. Wife/Baby momma? I'm not afraid to go in there, I've done it before, but I just wasn't feeling it this week. As I tried to gear myself up to buy the wife a "Pink Racerback Bralette," it might have been the teenage girl who was at the entrance, ready to assist me, and who was wearing a cut-off t-shirt liberally showing her pink bra that kept me walking.
Next stop, and yes, I actually stopped there, was Carson Pirie Scott. The poor man's Macy's should have something for both of my customers I thought. I saw a nice pair of Coach sandals for the wife that I was going to buy, but remembered what a woman once told me - "Never buy a woman shoes because she'll wear them as she's walking out on you." I put the sandals back and kept moving until a lady sprayed some cologne on me. Smelling like a flowery campfire, I slipped back in among the shoppers.
How about a book? Moms love to read, don't they? Yes and no. My mom loves to read and won't use a Kindle or a tablet to do so. So a book is a possibility. My baby momma? Sure, she likes to read, but hasn't had time to read a book since probably 2009. So if I bought her a book for Mother's Day, my wife would probably tell me where it could be shelved.
Next stop - the food court. All this shopping and thinking called for a slice of Sbarro's.
Back in the mall hall, I noticed how many jewelry stores are in malls. As for my limited jewelry shopping experience, I prefer to use a female friend to find something for me and I just pay for it. But in my state of desperation and the easy proximity, I start to think that you can never go wrong with jewelry. Right? But, how much to spend and, more importantly, how much to spend on mom and how much to spend on the wife. With Zale's, JB Robinson, and Claire's Boutique (that's a jewelry store isn't it?), whizzing by me, I couldn't quantify a jewelry price quotient and associate that with each of the mothers in my life. You know there'd be comparisons. So, I kept walking.
Workout clothes? Popcorn? Blackhawks gear? Cookware? A Frank Thomas autograph? Goldfish? Cellphone cover? Bathroom supplies? Pens? Wine?
I had no f*ckin' idea.
Until it finally dawned on me. What could make both of these women in my life happy for hours on end and not create the appearance of disparate value. I thought of something that both my mother and my wife would love, cherish and appreciate: "Snore No More."
As a man who is blessed with his father's throat constricting genes, I am lucky to still be alive not yet having been smothered in my sleep. Therefore, in order to spend the same amount on each and to provide each of them with hours of unabated peace and quiet I will buy matching snore prevention devices and dream about next year's Mother's Day dilemma.
So, guys, as you're fighting the idea of buying a gift or just can't think of something, give the gift of sleep - you can't go wrong since all mothers need a little rest.
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