Things a Black Wife Says to her White Husband

The following list represents some of the things that my wife, who is black, would say to me - I am white – and which it is highly unlikely that any white woman, a wife or otherwise, would say.  I will acknowledge that it took a little time for me to get used to some of these.

1.  "You ain't sh*t."  This is not an insult.  Rather, it is synonymous to “Hey, stop messing with me; you’re really not funny.”

2.  “You don’t want my edges to puff up do you?”  I’m still not altogether sure what this means, but I usually just nod and stay quiet.

3.  “You need to take your belt off.”  This is not foreplay talk.

4.  “Did you put the food up?”  No, I didn’t put the food up, but I put the food away.

5.  “Why you all up on me?”  Kind of foreplay talk.

6.  “Is it sew-in or clip-on?”  This is hair weave talk, potentially in response to me saying something like, “Wow, it looks like she has quite a weave going there.”

7.  “We need some drink up in here.” Meaning, I thought you said you were picking up vodka today.

8.  “She’s mocha latte.”  No, this is not a description of someone’s Starbucks preference.

9.  "This is a job for Whitey." A fact of life that even in the year 2013, it takes a white man to insinuate himself in order to resolve problems, get to the bottom of issues, or obtain critical information.  Sad but true.

10. "Looks like you'll have to put me on the track." When I complain that we can't take a vacation or funds are temporarily low, this is a joking (I hope) response.

The longer we stay married, the longer the list should grow.

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