Survey says? Social media makes us ruder

Survey says? Social media makes us ruder
Go ahead an insult Grumpy Cat one more time...

In the “water is wet” or “Chicago is corrupt” category, a new survey reveals that social media is making us all ruder than Voldemort driving a cab. I already wrote how Facebook brings out our inner Genghis Khan, but it seems I only touched the tip of the snark-berg.

The crux of the survey, conducted by VitalSmart, is that most people just have no problem going medieval when socializing online. The survey also shows that many have damaged real life relationships because of cyber arguments. Worst of all, two in five individuals admit they have permanently ended friendships after a disagreement while on social media.

Most surveyed agreed that manners are lacking in internet social circles, but of course this doesn’t stop them from turning into Jaime Lannister once behind the prophylactic comfort of a keyboard and screen.

Gee, I can’t wait for everyone to start wearing Google Glass, that nifty gadget that erases the borders between the real and online universes. Then we can be just as douchebag-ish in person as we are online (although I doubt anyone will notice the difference in Chicago).

One of the executives of VitalSmart offered a genius solution to online rudeness: peer pressure. Yeah, like that’s worked so well with bullying and the average John Hughes plot. The only thing people police on the internet are shopping deals or cat memes.

The executive, obviously a descendant of King Solomon’s evil twin, offered three other solutions:

-Avoid being preachy or dramatic.

-Find better alternatives for judgmental words (so instead of saying “you’re a vulva fart,” maybe say “I feel you’re a vulva fart.” Or just use the Shakespearean Insulter, like I do).

-Don’t attack anyone when your emotions have a heartbeat.

In other words, be a wallflower, a brownnoser, and a doormat, all rolled up into one enchilada of conformity and codependence. Just like you are at your job or when your parents visit.

The results of this survey are no surprise (I wonder how rude people were, though, since it was an online survey). Long before social media castrated our psyches, such domains as PHP forums, comment sections on articles, and chat rooms were already virtual Fight Clubs. Internet caliphates like 4chan and reddit have long been Uruk-hai laboratories in the guise of discourse vehicles. The internet has a way of making us emperors without the clothing of civility, pixel gods sending out punishing floods of toxic information to those who don’t build arks of adulation not large to satisfy our Babel egos.

In cyberspace no one can hear you scream, only bitch a lot. No man is an island, but on the internet we are all floating battleships of pent-up, nuclear frustration, always on a crusade to rectify our warped projections.

Think of your own bad metaphors. But it’s bad, really bad, and it’s already known that modern technology increases the anxiety of the already overly-caffeinated soul of society

I only see two solutions, but since I cannot talk about a real Fight Club, the first will have to wait.

The other solution is to simply get out of the internet before it becomes the next Trojan War with not enough Trojans for all the penises fighting in it.

To achieve this, keep reading Internet Rehab, and ultimately save your sanity from the sound and the fury that is the internet. I certainly have proposed solutions in past articles, and I have several other ideas, but unfortunately Karen Lewis ate the hard drive I stored them in.

That was rude. But who cares? I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m an internet surfer, I get my rudeness on the web. And I’m here, with you, forever bitching in cyberspace.

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