The great thing about technology is that we can pretend to be God—seemingly manipulating reality and performing miracles at the touch of a screen. Soon we will be able to create like God, because 3D printers are coming fast and they can literally make anything, right from the comfort of your own heavenly home.
The technology is already catching the world by storm, or at least by bang. After all, guns are already being made from 3D printers in the holy task of making sure the government doesn’t come for our weapons.
How do 3D printers work? Similar to normal printers that use sliced trees to make manifest useless things like work documents or literature. Instead and actually helpful, as a recent CBSNews article explains, a 3D printer “involves creating a solid object by layering thin slices of material including plastic, metal and ceramic.”
The possibilities are endless, with the right program and a meager $9,000+ machine. 3D printers can even make food!
Stuffy experts say I’m exaggerating—that 3D printers are only truly useful for crafting prototypes models and temporary objects; and that they only belong in universities or the design department of major industries.
Nonsense, I say. We live in the most enlightened era in history, where imaginary girlfriends are more important than civic leaders or artists (all stuffy experts, I say). So why not make our own personal universes from the copulation of a computer and printer? I’m sure there are plenty of Chinese children dying to assist in our divine ascent, rather than making Smart Phones, by lowering the cost of 3D printers.
Unfortunately, the usual suspects will monopolize 3D printer technology, just as they did with the Internet, regardless of the cost. And they’ll leave this world with the usual false-choices.
Here are some likely examples:
The Porn Industry. Forget toys and blow up dolls. How about a replicant in the form of Marylyn Chambers or John Holmes? Since I’m dating myself, how about copies of modern porn stars like Ryan Gosling and Sofia Vergara?
The Gun Industrial Complex. As mentioned, it’s already a reality, but how delicious is it to print weapons that fall outside of state and federal laws? The Founding Fathers certainly wanted the Constitution to be upheld by breaking it at the same time!
Starbucks. Isn’t it a law of physics that where there is malleable matter, as well as empty space, an overpriced, crappy coffee house will materialize?
Fast Food. Plastic and chemicals are some of the primal materials for 3D printers. Same as fast food joints.
The Fashion Industry. It’s already happening. Design your own weird and cheap clothes instead of buying weird and cheap clothes. Tragically, this will only retool the hipster movement…
All these scenarios cannot be allowed. As humans, we are better than this, and as rising gods we have a sacred duty to the cosmos. Our collective goodness must focus on making 3D printers a tool for architecture, eco-friendly products, and the banishment of slave labor in Asia (after they price is lowered, of course).
After all, isn’t God is the greatest consumer in the universe? And look how Creation has turned out…
On second thought, this deity will just print me up some Big Macs and put them in my mouth, hoping that I didn’t hit the “make gun” button by accident.