During our surfing for cyber-salvation, we all have come upon those amazing list articles. How can we not forget alchemical-gold epics like 5 Ways to Cook a Vegetarian or Top 8 Yahoo Serious Movie Scenes. They are informative, insightful, and inspiring.
Okay, that’s all I lie. They are Twitter Twinkies in a culture dying of mental starvation. The only benefit is for the blogger who stitched the article together. You can hear him laughing all the way to Starbucks, enjoying his AdSense account spike, and saying esoteric things under his breath like “content,” “viral,” and “trending.”
But you can do it too! That’s why I present an informative, insightful, and inspiring article that will get you more hits than a minority in Arizona:
1. Pick a number, any number. If you can’t, Google “numbers” and wait. Or count your Facebook friend’s list after you “liked” The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl page.
2. Think of a topic you’re an expert at, or at least have spent hours on Pinterest studying. Then write a list with very shallow advice like “make sure you have bleach and lemon juice stocked before the breakup,” “content is king even though by definition any writing has content,” or “think of a topic you’re an expert at.” The regurgitating possibilities are endless.
3. Pillage information from old copies of Guinness World Records, college textbooks, or articles in your Playboy collection stored in the attic. If you don’t know what a book is, Google it along with “numbers,” then write a list article about researching this Atlantis artifact called a book. If not, just ask your paranoid uncle Stew about the various ways Sea-Monkeys will bring about the Apocalypse using fluoride. Don’t worry too much about the actual list of factoids—everyone loves them in cyberspace because it makes them feel educated; however, no one can recollect them a few minutes later.
4. Have your old high school teacher edit your article of useless data or carbohydrate wisdom. After all, you’ve seen those text-message graphics with tragically comic gaffes. Never trust yourself, only government agents, when it comes to real thinking. Afterwards, get rid of any evidence with bleach and lemon juice in order to take full credit.
5. If all else fails, screw it—steal someone else’s list article and recycle it like a San Francisco grocery bag. It’s the Internet, baby! Nobody will remember and everyone is an island. Your biography at the bottom dotted with social networking buttons will make you feel special for about ten seconds, until some pudding-head stalker writes something on your wall that ticks you off.
Once it’s finished, there are other additions you can use to season your article: paste outrageous graphics to break the dreadful barrage of words; embed a video at the top that will abort anyone from actually reading your work but believing they did; arbitrarily add links that send people to eHow or The Huggington Post (since they’re just going to farm your content anyway).
Lastly, don’t forget to go medieval with bold and italics throughout your article to gin the audience’s attention. It’s what internet intellectuals do.
This should begin your journey to becoming a successful blogger, maybe get you a free Venti unpronounceable tea at Starbucks. Feel free to take this article and reuse it, hopefully after the trending content goes viral. I won’t have any recollection, already working on my next list article.
Wait, how many numbers where on the list?