Eric Barry, you wrote a goodbye hate letter to Chicago in the Huffington Post. It went viral on social media and you were rightly ridiculed.
You relocated to Chicago from San Francisco in 2014 and left our great city three years later full of disgust. From your piece, it seems you are full of self-loathing if not something else.
Your first lament? You developed a gut by gaining forty pounds. If you eat cheap eat junk food, drink too much beer, then sit on your butt all day and night, that is what happens.
Eric, you claim you almost got killed but broke your jaw instead, losing two teeth? You do not say how you broke your jaw. A word of avuncular advice, you are not supposed to fight with your face.
You moved here from the dissolving spirit of San Francisco. After three years here, your spirit felt beaten and defeated? Dude, you have no spirit. You have no soul. It is a good bet you can't even dance.
You wonder, did you do Chicago wrong? Eric, you could land anywhere and do it wrong. You are an over privileged, self-indulged, self-absorbed jerk. You expect the world to roll out the red carpet for you. You demand pie in the sky with ice cream on top. It is all about you.
Eric, the reason Laguintas, your home town swill, costs seven dollars in Chicago is due to the high cost of operating a saloon. Why were you surprised to find it? They have a brewery in Chicago. They advertise it. Everyone knows about it, except you.
Your method of making friends and influencing people needs work. This is the 21st Century, not the 1970's. In Chicago, you do not walk into a bar, swill in hand, approach a table of women, and expect them to fall all over you or fight each other for the privilege of taking you home. If one or more flips you off, you walk away. It is called courtesy.
You not only acted like a dork, you profanely told them you would not sleep with any of them. You are lucky you did not get every bone in your body broken. Or did the bouncer break your jaw and knock those teeth out for being an obnoxious pig?
Eric, Chicago is the center of everything for Chicagoans. We love our city. We are proud of our world class stature. Just like people in other cities love and take pride in their hometowns.
You belittle small towns. Small town people treat outsiders like guests. It is obvious you are a pest.
You bash our public transit. Eric, we have one of the best public transit systems in the world. It is easy to learn. You ever hear of the internet? If in one of your late night drunken stupors, you could not get a bus, there are these things called cabs. There is Uber and Lyft if you are a cheapskate and chiseler.
No one parties like Chicago. You just do not know how to party. You did not look for the right places to go. There are plenty of places to party hearty in this town. If you lived here for over three years and could not find at least one, that says more about you than anyone wants to know.
I do not know where you lived, Eric, but there are plenty of grocery stores. Wonderful grocery stores. From mom and pop ethnic to full blown chains carrying groceries from all over the world. They are in just about every neighborhood or within biking distance. You could take public transportation. There is grocery delivery, like Pea Pod and Instacart. Your nick name should be Captain Oblivious.
You bash our food. Chicago has some of the best food in the world. From Michelin starred and James Beard award winners to ethnic food from all over. Great food at all price ranges. Eric, get a clue. You need to get out of the apartment instead of nuking frozen meals. You need to get your head out of your keester.
You had to play the race card. You threw out the white privilege trope. Did you ever explore neighborhoods of color during your three-year sojourn? Did you try to make friends and influence any people of color? Or did you sit in your squalid apartment reading political tripe while chowing down cheap carry out, whining to yourself how the man is keeping people of color down?
"You can't help but feel a little stupid." Your words Eric. Dude, you are stupid. So stupid that you think New York will be a Utopia filled with unicorns, faeries, genies, and other mystical creatures waiting to grant your every wish.
There is one thing New York has a plethora of. Shrinks. I suggest you find one. Eric, Frisco, and Chicago are not the problem. You are. You need help. Get it fast or you will be a perpetual whiny wanderer in search of a non-existent Shangrila.
The Joan Didion, "Good Bye to All That" (Why I left New York), has been over done by bad writers who are way better than you. You wrote a similar essay about leaving San Francisco. Didion's is the gold standard of goodbye essays. You do not even come close. Your screeds fall into the muck and mud standard.
Eric, good bye, and good riddance. Hope the door hit you in the keester on the way out.
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