Transcript from President Trump's press conference at Mar Lago about a new presidential residence:*
As you know, I ran for President of the United States to make America great again. I am a man who knows a lot about greatness.
I won by the highest margins of any president in modern history. My popularity is soaring. You will not read any of that in the fake news media.
I want to bring a new guilded age to our great nation. My administration, and it it's a terrific administration by the way, contrary to what the fake news media claims, is working hard to fulfill my promise.
There is one problem I have and I intend to solve it quickly. America cannot be great unless the president has a great residence. The White House is old, tacky, and ugly. The interior is a shabby a relic of a long ago past.
My beautiful wife Melania, and wonderful son Barron, could not wait to leave for the comfort of our home in New York.
Our home in Trump Tower is everything the White House is not. It is glamorous, luxurious, and comfortable. It is fit for a king. And, I do know all about glamor and luxury.
Barron asked me why the president lives in such a dump. He handed me a drawing of what he thinks a presidential residence should look like.
Barron is a very gifted and intelligent child. And I do know a great deal about intelligence. All my children inherited my intelligence. The drawing was fantastic.
A new gilded age deserves a new gilded presidential tower. I gave Barron's drawing to the best architectural firm in the nation, Skidmark, Owes, Banks, to draw up plans for the new gilded presidential tower.
S.O.B. Is dedicated to making architecture great again like I am dedicated to make America great again.
The president's residence will occupy the whole top floor penthouse suite. The rest of the building will house a replica of the Oval Office, and other presidential work spaces. There will be floors dedicated for visiting dignitaries. They will have apartments instead of tacky bedrooms.
The Vice President will also have a floor for his family residence.
The rest of the building will be office space for presidential staff. Unlike the current situation, the presidential staff will all be in the same building.
I have contacted the party leadership in both houses of Congress to see if we can enact legislation to get the project off to a fast start. If they dawdle, I will issue an executive order to get this shovel ready project off the ground.
Further, this project will not cost the American people one dime, except for infrastructure. I intend to pay for the Tower myself. I will seek financing through my good friends in the Russian and Chinese banking sectors to finance this project.
The White House is iconic. It is just way past its prime. It should be turned into a museum. Maybe a presidential museum, honoring all the great and not so great men who came before me.
You have all been given a copy of Barron's drawing. I know the few folks in the real news media will make it front page and breaking news. The fake media will howl at the moon making the usual false charges and attacking my son.
Folks, this will be a presidential residence the whole nation can be proud of. I will build it using American made materials, American workers, and American gold plating for the ornamental top.
Only the finest materials will be used. The interiors will be beyond fabulous. Believe me, I know a lot about fabulous.
This Tower will be an American masterpiece. And, I know about building masterpieces. I have built and own many.
There is one last thing. We need a name for this presidential tower. Now, as you know, I put the Trump stamp on every building I am involved with. However, this will not do, much to my disappointment.
For the time being it will be called Presidetial Tower. If a better name is put forth, we will consider it.
Thank you very much. I will not be taking any questions. I have many things to do today. More Executive Orders to sign, meetings with immigration officials over the mass deportations, figuring out my National Security staff, and phone calls to world leaders. World leaders love hearing from me, by the way.
See you all later on Twitter.
*Disclaimer: For the uneducated and ignorant, especially those with degrees and advanced degrees, this is satire. If any of you are offended, seek out people wearing safety pins. They will listen to you, talk kindly to you, hug you, and even give you a Teddy Bear to cuddle.
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