The holiday season starts with Thanksgiving and goes through Super Bowl Sunday. It is a time of merriment, cheer, parties, and over indulgence. Sometimes the overindulgence is on Bacchanalian or even
Sometimes the overindulgence is on Bacchanalian or even Caligulan proportions.
The problems with these levels of overindulgence are extreme embarrassment, people talking, people posting things on social media, memory loss, especially if you do not remember if you made a fool of yourself, and the very real possibility you can get fired if it was a company event.
Then, there is the dreaded hangover, for which there is no real cure.
In the spirit of all the various holidays here is some helpful advice on surviving merry celebrations.
You do not have to drink every last drop of booze from every bottle at the party. Be polite. Remember etiquette. There are other lushes who want to drink as much if not more than you. Spread the cheer, alcohol induced sickness, and hangovers around. Do not be a selfish savage.
Oh, and remember this is the age of smartphones and idiot social media mavens. Your boss, spouse, partner, children, or other family members will not want to see that picture of you guzzling booze from the bottle, throwing up on the carpet, or passed out on the floor cradling empties.
Speaking of social media idiots with smartphones, the last thing you want is your fat arsed plumbers crack or the top of your thong and tramp stamp all over Facebook because of your drunken dirty dancing. Especially if the photos are tagged.
At office parties, control your urges and be careful who you flirt with. Flirting or making drunken passes at the boss's husband, wife, mistress, or other family member is a career ender. Also, do not pull a Miley Cyrus and dirty twirk with the boss or any of the above. Remember the idiots with smartphones.
If you are going to drink, stick with one kind of drink. You do not have to try every thing someone puts into your hand. Forget the shots too. The fastest way to hugging the porcelain is to put all kinds of different alcohol and mixers in your system. Jello shots or any drinks made with fruit punch or other highly sweetened so-called juices should be avoided.
Keep yourself hydrated. Hydrated means drinking water between cocktails, not beer chasers. Nibble, snack, and eat during your course of drinking. Putting all that booze on an empty stomach is a harbinger of disaster and may cause an all too early end to your festivities.
Do not drink and drive. God made cabs for drunks who own cars. Take a taxi or ride share to and from your drunken revelry.
Drinking and driving can have tragic consequences. If you are lucky enough to be stopped by the police, drunk driving can have very expensive consequences. Legal fees are not cheap. If you are convicted it may cost you over ten thousand dollars, including the vastly higher insurance rates. Do not be a dumb cheap moron.
Take cabs if you plan to drink. Oh, and write down your home address on your hand. If you are too inebriated to speak coherently, you can show the cab driver the address.
If you are stumbling home from a neighbor's party and need to clear your head, the worst thing you can do is stick it into a snow bank. You may not be able to get your head out, or you may sink lower into the bank and get stuck. While your upper body is immobilized, your legs will be kicking like a dying cockroach.
Aside from the various unconcerned people who will pass you by, while you are trying to get upright again, you are a perfect target for a dog who needs a place to lift its leg. The dog owner may have a smartphone too.
Then again, some people with a warped sense of humor may steal your shoes or worse your pants. Imagine your ugly bare feet and skinny alabaster white legs sticking out of a snowbank.
Last, but not least, the dreaded hangover. Look, there are no real cures. There are ways to mitigate some of the symptoms until your body processes the overabundance of alcohol in your system. When you peel your eyelids open, sit up from where ever you slept very slowly. Ease out of bed, off the floor, out of the bathtub, or off the couch.
Hydrate. Once again, hydration is water not the hairs of the various dogs that bit you. Another good rule is to stock up on sports drinks. Sip them slowly to get electrolytes back into your system. Go back to bed or where ever you feel most comfortable and sleep.
If you must drag your bedraggled, hungover, pale, bloodshot eyed self into work the next morning do not ask stupid questions like, "Did I do anything foolish last night." The pathetic looks and muffled giggling will tell you all you need to know.
So will the security guard who escorts you from the building because you got fired for drunkenly and obscenely hitting on the boss's spouse, mistress, or family member.
The holiday season is a time for merriment, cheer, and goodwill towards your fellow man. If you overdo the goodwill and cheer, you might end up a customer at Goodwill.
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