Last month a "Kamikaze" squirrel tried to do in 21st Ward Alderman Howard Brookins. Brookins is a vociferous enemy of what he calls, "aggressive squirrels". Brookins was riding his bicycle when the squirrel attacked.
The "Kamikaze" squirrel jumped into the spokes, causing the bike to stop suddenly. Brookins was launched over the handlebars. He suffered serious injuries.
If Alderman Brookins is right, the aggressive squirrel menace could prove as dangerous the city's violence problem.
In 1918, when the men were off fighting in World War I, California initiated a 'War on Squirrels'. Children were drafted to eradicate what the state feared was an enemy worse than Germany.
“We have enemies here at home more destructive, perhaps, than some of the enemies our boys are fighting in the trenches,” state horticulture commissioner George H. Hecke warned in an impassioned call-up for “School Soldiers.” He exhorted children to do their part for Uncle Sam by organizing “a company of soldiers in your class or in your school” and marching out to destroy their foe: “the squirrel army.” (Atlas Obscura)
Pamphlets were issued. Slogans, like those below, were published. The propaganda against the foe bordered on speciesphobia.
The BEST squirrel is the dead squirrel.
The squirrel does not recognize daylight saving. He uses it all.
Why hesitate? We can get ‘em. How? Poison ‘em, gas ‘em, drown em’, shoot ‘em, trap ‘em, submarine ‘em.
Are you not willing then to give your whole-hearted support to this state-wide movement to KILL THE SQUIRREL?
In Great Britain, a similar effort is underway to eradicate the American grey squirrel. That's right, America, the Redcoats want to kill Americans. Where is Donald Trump on this? How can we "Make America Great Again" if we allow our former colonizers to murder American squirrels?
Some in Britain are upset and consider the effort a form of xenophobia.
“Squirrels cannot speak. But I fear that if they could the newcomers would be entitled to ask: ‘Is it because my fur is grey?’ After all, being immune to a killer virus, adapting to the local habitat and thriving on available food are all evidence of evolutionary success. To accuse them of spreading disease sounds like a classic anti-immigrant slur.”... The point is they’ve been here for a good long time, they’ve settled themselves in. If we’re saying, ‘Right, we don’t want grey squirrels,’ what else are we going to say we don’t want?”... “I know there is a great difference between humans and animals—or is there?—but the sort of general policies denote racism,” he says. “They’re killing [grey squirrels] because they come from another country, I don’t accept that.” (Atlas Obscura/April 2016)
Back to Chicago. The City Council should immediately initiate a Squirrel Army, if for nothing else, to protect themselves from aggressive or kamikaze squirrels. The Brookins incident demonstrates the enemy within, a new Chicago Outfit.
We cannot allow squirrels to organize into a new syndicate, threatening the very fabric of our society. We must protect our aldermen from these violent fur balls.
Every effective and humane method to kill squirrels must be researched. PETA and the other animal huggers must be ignored.
A bounty should be put on squirrels. Maybe a ten or twenty dollar gift card for every dead squirrel. This is a "shovel ready job". People without means can earn enough money to buy food or pay bills.
Depositories can be placed in every neighborhood for squirrel turn ins.
It would not take long for the squirrels to adapt. Nature would take its course. The squirrels will find new habitat in the wide open leafy spaces of suburbia. They will not have to compete with urban development for food. Suburbia would be a boon for the little critters.
If a squirrel successfully attacked one alderman, incapacitating him, who will be next? Will "Kamikaze" squirrel hit squads start roaming the city seeking out politicians?
Will our streets be littered with injured or dead aldermen?
Not since the Capone era, with its pineapple (Hand grenades) elections, have politicians faced such a mortal threat. We must protect the sanctity of life of Chicago politicians. #AldermenLivesMatter.
It is time we save the aldermen and kill the squirrels.
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