Grand Avenue Night Before Christmas

Wuz da night before Christmas en all tru da house

Not a creature was stirrin, not even da louse

Da stockins ere hung by da chiney wit care

The stink they gave off fouled up da air

Da children were nestled all snug in dere beds

Wid visons of my hand smacking dere heads

The gumad in her thong and me with my bong

Had just took a hit that was way to long

When out on da roof dere was such a clatter

I stumbled from bed to see what was da matter

I tripped on da floor while makin a dash

tore open da winder and found my old stash

The moon on da street lit da crappy new snow

Shone bright on da hookers walking below

When what to my waterin eyes should appear

Some sled skidding down wid eight cousin mooks

Some drunken dwarf driver so clumsy and thick

I knew in a moment it was Little Nick da saint

Wid bats and bricks they tripped as they came

Nick whistled and shouted and called them by name

Yo Vinnie! Yo Joey!

Yo Sal! Yo Cockeye!

Yeah, Screwy! Yo Mooney!

Hey Donnie! Yo Mugsy!

Get up dat porch

To da top a da wall

For dat bumb mamaluke

makes a freakin call

Like alley cockroaches dat scurry wid da light

When de meet da wind dey go to flight

So up da fire escape the cousins dey ran

Wid bats and bricks, and a gasoline can

And in a twinkle I hear on da roof

The scraping and pawing of each little goof

As I cleared my head and turned around

Down da chimney Little Nick da saint did bound

He was dressed in fur from his head to his foot

His fur was all covered wid cinders an soot

A bunch a junk he had on his back

He looked like a teef openin his pack

His cheeks were unshaven his nose was all hairy

His eyes how bloodshot his dimples how stubbled

He smelled like Five Roses he had too much merry

The stump of a joint he held tight in his teet

And da smoke of the cheap stuff smelled like a dirty sheet

He had a face like a broad and a big round belly

Dat shook when he yelled like a bowl full a jelly

He was chubby and plump, an angry old elf

And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself

A wink of his eye and twist of his head

Let me know dis guy would soon be dead

He did'n say nuttin but tried to go on wid his work

Beatin on me like I was a jerk

I laid a fist on da side a his nose

Kicked im in da ass en up da chimney he rose

He sprang to his sled to his team gave a whistle

En de run away so fast de looked like a missile

I heard him yell as he drove outta sight

Dis ain't de end

We'll see you some night

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