Ten ways Chicago beats New York City

Ten ways Chicago beats New York City

The Cubs are facing the New York Mets in the National League Championship Series. The New York Daily News and DNAinfo/New York decided to bash Chicago. It appears New York media still believes New York is the best city in the nation. The First City.

Bashing teams is perfectly acceptable and expected. Bashing fans is permitted. But when puerile scribblers bash our world class city, we must bash back.

Chicago bashing is expected from the New York Daily News. It is a lurid tabloid whose major news stories consist of daily coverage of the Kardashians. One could bet that fish wrap is paid to publish multiple daily articles about those extra terrestrials.

DNAinfo/New York, on the other hand, should know better. They are owned by the Ricketts family. You know the Ricketts? They own the Cubs and live in Chicago. Hopefully, the two youthful culturally insensitive scribblers who wrote that piece will be fired. Being New York, they will probably wind up at the New York Times, a thoroughly disreputable comic rag.

Here are ten ways Chicago beats New York City:

The Second City: Chicago was given the Second city moniker by a third rate New York hack named A.J. Liebling. It sticks because New York wants it to. Chicago is second to none. Chicago is the beating heart of America. New York is a poseur. Like Broadway, it is all stage dressing and acting.

Chicago is the most American of American cities. New York cannot claim that label. Chicago is the City of Big Shoulders. Nothing is too heavy for us to handle. New York is a city of whining weaklings who consistently complain about everything.

Chicagoans do not have that annoying adenoidal accent. New Yorkers sound like geese having sex.

Chicagoans do not have that annoying adenoidal accent. New Yorkers sound like geese having sex.

Chicagoans do not have that annoying adenoidal accent. New Yorkers sound like geese having sex.

Funny how all those New York media and entertainment companies seek out people with flat Midwest accents for their programming. They do not want honking sounds on the airwaves.

Livability: New York is a great place to visit and work but no one wants to live there. People move out faster than they move in. New York is fast becoming a suburb of New Jersey and Connecticut. It is called the Big Apple because it is rotten to the core.

Food: Chicago is the culinary capital of the nation. Long before New York claimed the title for itself, Chicago had the best chefs and restaurants in America. Chefs flocked to work in Chicago's finest hotels and dining establishments. Chicago still is the culinary capital. New York is the food media capital. You cannot eat magazines and television shows.

Chicago has got brats.

Chicago has goat brats.

New York claims its pizza is the best. What is so great about a tortilla slopped with canned sauce and processed cheese?

Hot dogs? A New York Hot Dog is heated in toilet water, slapped on a bun, and, well, there is nothing more. A Chicago dog is a garden on a bun. New Yorkers are known to put ketchup on hot dogs too.

Chicago gace the world the Italian beef sanguich.

Chicago gave the world the Italian beef sanguich.

We have the Maxwell Street  style Polish. New York has nothing to compare.

Chicago created the Italian beef sanguich, gyros, hamburgers, and the brownie. We have goat brats. New York, um...

Our steak houses are the best in the world. New York used to get their best meat from Chicago. Now their meat comes prepackaged from New Jersey.

Gangsters: While New York's Five Families were battling it out for turf and preening around like characters from the "Godfather," the monolithic Chicago Outfit was consolidating wealth and power on a national level.

New York Gangsters ran boroughs. Chicago gangsters ran major cities like Miami, Detroit, Kansas City, St. Louis, Las Vegas, and Los Angeles. Chicago gangsters rarely left bodies laying around like litter. They kindly placed bodies in car trunks.

Rats and roaches: Chicago and New York are probably equal in their vermin problem. But, New York rats are huge and vicious. They kill cats and small dogs. They drag New York Pizza around, proving rats will eat anything.

Their roaches are the size of Chicago rats. They are impossible to kill. Maybe the polluted water from the Hudson river altered the DNA of New York vermin. The same could be said about New York news people.

Garbage: Chicago was designed by intelligent people. New York was laid out by bark chewers. In Chicago, garbage is placed in containers in alleys. New York garbage is piled on the street in front of buildings just like litter. The rats and roaches get to it before the garbage haulers. How can New York brag about being a civilized and cosmopolitan city when they cannot even dispose of their garbage properly?

History: New York revels in its 18th and 19th Century history. Chicago's history is one of forward progress and motion. From its inception as a trading post, Chicago continually looked to the future. Chicago is the city of the future. Like being stuck on stupid, New York is a city of the past. Soon tourists will visit for the ancient ruins.

Architecture: Chicago is known world wide for its architecture. The City Beautiful Movement started here while New York's Central Park was a sheep meadow. Chicago buildings are stolid. New York is known for building collapses on a regular basis. New York should stop using the Alfredo sauce from Olive Garden for cement and mortar. It is more suited for setting tile and hanging wallpaper.

Sanity: The New York metropolitan area has four times the number of psychiatrists than the Chicago metropolitan area. New York is an insane asylum without walls.


Mayors: Love him or hate him, the 91/2 fingered Tiny Dancer is head and shoulders above the Big Bird pretending to run New York City. Mayor de Blasio is a running gag and joke in New York.

No one laughs at Mayor Emanuel. Curse him yeah, laugh at him at your peril.

Big Bird de Blasio alienated everyone, including the news media in New York. He has no relationships with the populace or journalists. Emanuel has a solid love hate relationship with the populace and news media.

In Chicago, having relationships is key. Being liked or disliked is irrelevant.

Mayor Emanuel runs Chicago. Mayor de Blasio is merely a figurehead. New York is run by a vast army of powerful bumbling career bureaucrats. Rahm Emanuel is an order giver. Bill de Blasio is an order taker.

One good thing about New York: The New York Yankees. Along with the Sox and Cubs, the Yankees are one of the great baseball franchises in history.

Go Cubs go!

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