There are many ways to be severely injured, wounded, or killed in Chicago. You could be bludgeoned, beaten, kicked, stomped, stabbed, shot, maimed by a two wheeled terrorist cyclist, or wounded and possibly killed by a goose.
That is right. You can be killed by a goose or a gaggle of geese. These foul fowl are violent, vicious, and heartless. It is time our mayor, aldermen, and police department do something to curtail goose violence. Geese should be added to the list of Chicago's public enemies. The police should go after guns, drugs, gangs, and geese.
The goose population is growing exponentially in Chicago. They are invading neighborhoods. They are violent vicious beasts. Like gang members and dope dealers, geese do not like having their picture taken. They befoul every place they call home with their droppings. The gather in gaggles like gangbangers on street corners.
While taking these pictures, one of the fiendish monsters flew up and tried to attack me. It would have been a humiliating death. "How did Pete die" " Goosed to death."
Since I do not make it a habit to carry a shot gun around, I did not stand my ground. I fled for safety. Had I been suitably armed, that goose would have been cooked. Served with sausage, kale, and chestnut dressing, a side of green beans almondine, and a sweet potato casserole.
There would have been bigger issues if I stood my ground. The busy body animal activists and their fellow travelers would have formed social media lynch mobs. #BillsupDon't shoot and #Geeselivesmatter would be the hashtag activists clarion call.
There would be protests, riots, arson, and looting. There would be demands for an indictment, trial, guilty verdict, and public hanging on State and Madison during the lunch hour.
The president would issue a statement claiming if he had a son it would look just like the goose. The Attorney General of the United States would proclaim, "I am a goose". The White House would send a gaggle of representatives to the goose's funeral.
Al Sharpton would come to town and then proceed to the White House to advise the president on gooseism.
I would be forced to flee to some foreign land that did not have an extradition treaty for killing geese. Like Snowden and Assange, I would be an outcast and man without a country.
This goose violence must end. We must do it for ourselves, for the children, and for the geese. They need to be rounded up and deported to some place far away where hunting geese is acceptable.
Violent urban geese are a serious threat to Chicago. They are a serious crisis too good to waste. Something must be done before there is a tragedy. The politicians must ignore the animal rights activists and PETA. The gaggles of geese must be disbanded and deported.
Chicago must be made safe from goose violence.
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