Valenswines and Valentines

Friday the 13th is usually associated with bad luck. If it occurs the day before Saint Valentines Day, some people do get lucky.

St. Valenswines Day is February 13th. It is known as the day of the cheaters or the day of the gumads. It is the day when people give gifts and wine and dine others who are not their spouse.


14th Century painting by Francois Phuque of St. Valenswine being martyred.

St. Valenswine was a widely recognized 4th Century Roman martyr associated with the tradition of courtly adultery.

Valenswine was a sybaritic figure known for his bacchanalian appetites, especially when it came to great numbers of women who were not his wife. This included the wives of others.

It is said he did not cut a bella figura. He was more like a bella porcus. St. Valenswine was martyred after he was caught in flagrante delicto with the wife of a man vastly more powerful than he.

Valenswine's punishment was to be grilled alive.

St. Valentines Day is associated with the celebration of romance. People go out of their way to demonstrate love for their sweeties, honeys, dearies, significant others, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances, whatever.

It is one of the biggest gift giving days of the year. Love and romance are in the air.


Chicago celebrates St. Valentines Dy by killing men. (Chicago Tribune photo)

Except in Chicago. In Chicago, on St. Valentines Day, we kill men. We massacre them. We send the gift of lead.

That's the Chicago Way.

We do spare their dogs. Chicgoans are humane. We love dogs. Chicagoans do have a heart.

The best St. Valentines Day movie in history:

There are the lonely hearts. People who bitterly complain they do not have a Valenswine or Valentine on those respective days.

These people are truly self centered and inconsiderate. They never think about all those people who do not have mothers on Mother's Day or fathers on Father's Day.

They are also lazy. If you want a Valenswine or Valentine to celebrate with, you need to go out and find one.

For all you Valenswines, lotharios gumads; Valentines, lovers, and Chicagoans have a great celebration.

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