Stories missed this week

Stories missed this week

There are thousands of news stories in America daily. There are plenty of mainstream and alternative news media organizations to tell them. They ignore many of these stories.

These are important stories. Stories that effect people, politics, and society in general. No one knows why the media ignores these stories. No one asks. No one cares.

Here are some stories you are missing.

Grammar Police: A Chicago Police detective, who wishes to remain anonymous, contacted school officials about a glaring problem. After investigating several teen suicides, he discovered the suicide notes were poorly written. There were major spelling, grammar, and usage errors.

The detective has a Masters Degree in English. He is known for constantly correcting the reports of his superiors and fellow workers, much to their annoyance.

He formed a coalition to correct the problem. They demand the school system implement communication skills in the writing curriculum.

School children should learn how to write a proper suicide note, notes informing parents they are running away, and other short forms of communication. Their language should be clear, concise, and to the point, with no spelling or usage errors.

School officials stated they would consider this for the upcoming school year.

"American Sniper": "American Sniper" keeps breaking box office records, despite the swirl of controversy by critics. The critics cannot accept the fact that "American Sniper" is only a movie.

Michael Moore, whose entertainment movies made him millions, is one of the most vocal critics. The Pentagon, fearful of bad publicity, issued guidance to all snipers and members of Special Operations Detachments. The guidance states members of service will refrain from joining in to defend the movie or insult the critics.

There will be no references to Michael Moore sweating Crisco or having a face that looks like a slab of Spam. The military fears Crisco and Spam will complain of libel and slander of their brands and trademarks.

The guidance also bans military personnel from posing in uniform with weapons on social media sites when sniping at the critics. They encourage snipers and Special Operations personnel to adhere to the unwritten code of not being seen or heard. They should remain the invisible quiet heroes.

Da Bears deflated balls: The controversy over deflated balls in the last playoff game is all over the news. Sportswriters, football players, and others are talking about deflated balls. The terms "Ballgate" and "Ballghazi" are being tossed around.

Several former members of the Chicago Bears, players and coaching staff, are also discussing deflated balls. One of the conditions of working for the McCaskey Family is deflating your balls. No one is allowed to have bigger balls than the McCaskey who is running the team at the time. Since it is an open secret that McCaskey males suffer from a rare genetic condition called BB Balls, ball deflation is rife in the organization. It could be the reason the Bears are the worst team in football. You need big inflated balls to win football games.

James Taylor appointment: After his stellar foreign policy performance in Paris, James Taylor is being nominated as Ambassador to the World. His duties will include singing "You Got a Friend" to our allies and enemies. According to the administration, friends and foes alike will be like the lambs lying with the lions when they listen to James Taylor sing. Secretary of State John Kerry is strongly endorsing the nomination. It is rumored Barney the Dinosaur will be Mr. Taylor's assistant.

Facebook: In cooperation with the White House and international Muslim leaders, Facebook is offering a new application geared towards Muslim extremists and terror organizations. Similar to poking, it will be called beheading. Extremists can behead people who insult Islam on Facebook. Western government leaders firmly believe that this will lead to a sharp decrease in real beheadings and other terrorist activities, like the murders at Charlie Hebdo in Paris.

Facebook Outage: Facebook went down for a short period of time. This was a catastrophic disaster for insomniac New Yorkers suffering through the snowmageddon blizzard that wasn't.

In violation of the martial law curfew imposed by Dear Leader, Bill De Blasio, people ran through the streets screaming while trying to to get out of the city.

Some looked heavenward to see if the Five Horsemen of the Apocalypse were descending upon New York. Screams of "run for your lives," and "the end is here" echoed throughout the brick, concrete, steel, and glass canyons of Manhattan.

Dear Leader De Blasio issued a strong condemnation of the violation of his martial law decree when Facebook was up and running again. According to Dear Leader, even if the rapture were to arrive, citizens are expected to obey his every command. Law and order must be maintained.

It is reported the laughter of the New York City Police Department was way louder than the screams of terrified citizens.

"Sports Illustrated": "Sports Illustrated" fired their full time staff of six photographers in an austerity move. Photographers will be replaced with illustrators consisting of low paid interns from art schools. The interns will watch sports on television and draw the action. "Sports Illustrated" reminded the public that they are "Sports Illustrated" not "Sports Photography". It is not yet known who will illustrate the swimsuit issue.

Just Don't Shoot: One of Eric Holder's last actions as Attorney General is the implementation of the "Just Don't Shoot" program. Similar to the "Just Say No" drug program, "Just Don't Shoot" will be aimed to keep young people from murdering each other and innocent bystanders. Holder realized the futility of trying to get illegal firearms off the streets.

Holder is hoping the First Lady will make P.S.A.s and encourage celebrity friends of the White House to do the same. Holder insists "Just Don't Shoot" will cause a dramatic decrease in urban violence.


Mrs. Potato Head accused Bill Cosby of trying to peel her clothes off. (PV Bella)

Bill Cosby: Bill Cosby is embroiled in a rape scandal with allegations going back decades.

Recently, Ms. Piggy, of Muppet fame, came out, accusing Mr. Cosby of trying to get her bacon.

In a shocking revelation this past week, Mrs. Potato Head made allegations against Mr. Cosby. According to a spokesperson, the comedian tried to peel her clothes off after giving her a spiked drink.

Extraterrestrials: Celebrity extraterrestrial, Kim Kardashian, made a Superbowl commercial for T-Mobile. Extraterrestrial civil rights organizations are ecstatic that an alien is finally being recognized on the national stage.

The National Association for the Advancement Space People (NAASP) released a statement stating this is the biggest thing since the civil rights march over the Intergalatic Bridge from Amles Minor to Roswell, New Mexico.

The president of the Roswell Coalition, part of Operation Hsup, stated Kim Kardashian is saying it loud. "I'm Space and I'm proud." "I am something".

The Reverend, El Sharpie, president of National Alien Network (NAN) is planning a One Million Alien March to demand a national conversation on Space. Reverend Sharpie is demanding extraterrestrials be given more starring roles in movies, television, and commercials.

"The promise of America is one immigration policy for all who seek to enter our country, whether they come from Mars, Venus or Saturn, there must be equal opportunities for everybody."

Sharpie and NASP are trying to get people to stop using the words alien, extraterrestrial, and E.T. They consider these terms pejorative and insulting. They are demanding people use the term Space or People of Space (POS) to identify those from another planet.

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