Velveeta Shortage creates serious problems

Cheese, Glorious cheese, so sumptuous and luscious. Cheese marvelous Cheese, makes everything scrumptious. (American Dairy Association)

One has to pity Mayor Rahm Emanuel. While on his tropical jungle vacation, he multi-tasked the twin crises of Snowmageddon and the dangerous polar vortex. Upon his return, looking fit, well rested, sans tan, he dealt with reporters over criticism by unruly union leaders over his being away.

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Chicago Tribune photo.

Now, as the NFL playoffs ramp up, leading to the Superbowl, another major crisis comes our way. The dreaded Velveeta shortage.

Retailers around the country have been reporting shortages of the oozing processed cheese product, known as "liquid gold". Some have not seen a delivery in over a month and do not expect regular deliveries until February.

Kraft Foods Group, makers of the golden gooey delight, acknowledged there may be shortages of certain Velveeta products.

This new crisis could create havoc and mayhem for retailers and citizens alike. There is worry that store patrons may storm the aisles, fighting each other to hoard as much as they can carry or afford. Fear that looting and rioting may break out is very real.

Football season, especially playoff time, is when high volumes of Velveeta are consumed. Families, home cooks, and low market caterers depend on the velvety oozing delicacy to create a variety of tasty culinary delights. Dips, toppings for nachos and chili, canapes, macaroni and cheese, desserts, even pizza.

There are no reports of outrage over putting Velveeta on a hot dog at this time.

Local caterer, Wanda Lenell, reported that clients threatened to cancel her services if she cannot provide dishes made with or accompanied by Velveeta. "Clients are angry, and rightfully so", the bleach blonde bouffant beauty claimed. "Velveeta is a staple for any proper catered event. Whole cuisines evolved around Velveeta. What was Kraft thinking?"

Ms. Lenell is quickly developing substitute dishes using other popular party staples such as Vienna Sausages, Dinty Moore Stew, pickled pigs feet, hard boiled eggs, and Hormel Chili.

She will try to interest people in reviving miniature hot dogs, Swedish Meatballs, fish sticks, and other retro culinary pleasures. She is advising people to substitute Nutella for Velveeta in desserts.

Ms. Lenell is the author of the best selling cookbook, "If You Like Good Cooking, A Story I'll Tell".

Significant Others Against Domestic Violence (SOADV) warned that the Velveeta shortage could increase the dangers of domestic violence during football season and its meteoric rise during the playoffs. The lack of Velveeta could increase the stress and anger levels of people during a time when stress and anger are already rampant in homes.

"The Super Bowl is one of the worst days of the year for Football Domestic Violence" (FDV), according to SOADV spokesperson, Henoven Perse. Mr. Perse explained that men and women are equally vulnerable to become victims of FDV. "FDV is a very real and traumatic condition in too many homes in America."

Mr. Perse is trying to convince the government to ban televising the sport of football to prevent and end the domestic violence related to watching the sport.

Mr. Perse also took advantage of this crisis to take aim at FDV deniers. In a strongly worded statement he advised that people who deny Football Domestic Violence is real should be equated and given the same status as racists and pedophiles. Mr. Perse avered the social science is sound and on the side on FDV.

The shortage of Velveeta is being compared to the Twinkie crisis. When Hostess announced it was going out of business, millions of Twinkie lovers emptied store shelves to horde the eternal lasting delight.

It is claimed Velveeta, if stored unopened, has a shelf life equal to or greater than Twinkies. Survivalists recommend Velveeta be included in survival food caches, along with copious amounts of tin foil.

The National Football League had no comment on the Velveeta crisis.

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