The polar vortex is coming. According to weather experts and various media reports, the polar vortex is expected to bring dangerous sub-zero temperatures to Chicago. Double digit sub zero wind chill factors are also predicted. The city may be renamed Chiberia.
Before the polar vortex strikes, with ensuing rapture and the Four Eskimos of the Apocalypse riding their polar bears, snowmageddon will hit Chicago.
Those same weather experts and media outlets are predicting 10-12 inches of snow before Monday, when the polar vortex will strike.
Which brings us to the time honored tradition in Chicago called "dibs".
For those living under a rock or from that foreign land called Suburbia, dibs is littering the parking space you shoveled with junk from your home. All that stuff you could not sell during yard and garage sales you never got a permit for.
Chairs, orange cones, milk crates with boards atop them, or anything else to claim the space as yours.
It can be dangerous to move people's junk from their shoveled spot to park your car. Everything from flattened tires, total destruction, a beating or even fatal shooting can occur if you violate the dibs code.
Dibs are not legal. The street in front of your home belongs to the city. Risking the dreaded chest grabber or lethal heart-a-stroke gives you no right to deny others the right to park their car on the city's property.
The sidewalk in front of your home is city property too. There is an ordinance requiring homeowners to shovel city property or be fined fifty bucks (for residences).
How illogical is this? You shovel a parking spot and the city claims you have no right to it. It is public property. On the other hand, fail to shovel a public owned sidewalk in front of your home and the city will fine you.
The city demands you shovel city property to assist other citizens. Think of all the poor pedestrian commuters, elderly or handicapped who have to navigate the city's unshoveled walk.
The ordinance specifies you will shovel the full five foot width of the sidewalk. You cannot just shovel a mere path. You also cannot shovel the snow onto the city street.
Funny, the city makes no requirements for those whiny needy mewling bicycle riders to shovel the bike paths they demanded. Go figure.
The city is imposing social do-gooderness upon us. Bah! If people want to walk down the city sidewalk, they should bring shovels or hire someone to clear a path for them.
If the city wants their sidewalks shoveled they should hire workers to do it. Hire unemployed and homeless people at minimum wage. That is a shovel ready jobs plan you really can believe in.
Here is an even a better idea. If those part-time aldermen, earning six figure CEO salaries with Rolls Royce benefits, want the sidewalks in their wards shoveled so badly, they should do it.
Let them at least do some work to earn their overpaid inflated salaries.
It should be noted that it is illegal to repair or replace the sidewalk in front of your home, no matter how many people trip, fall, twist or break their ankles, or elderly fall and break their hips.
It is also illegal to fill a pot hole in the street in front of your home, even if SUVs and mini-vans with whole families disappear into the abyss.
It makes no difference how long the city or alderman's office ignore the hazard.
Streets and sidewalks are city property. Only the city can maintain and repair city property. You can be fined for being a considerate bleeding heart weepy do-gooder.
How ridiculous can Chicago be? You cannot repair hazards on city property in front of your home because it is city property. On the other hand, you will be fined for not shoveling city property because it is city property.
You can be fined for being an inconsiderate expletive deleted instead of a weepy bleeding heart do-gooder.
Since when is being inconsiderate and bleeping lazy illegal?
Here is what a real blizzardageddon looks like:
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