To the home of the brave
The land of the free
And the doormat of the National League (A Dying Cubs Fan's Last Request/Steve Goodman)
The Cubs have a new mascot. Meet Clark, the blue eyed cartoon bear with no pants. One could wonder if he rode the El this past Pantless Sunday.
The Cubs website boasts, "Unbearably cute! Cubs unveil new mascot".
Unbearably cute? Says who?
The unveiling of Clark set the Twitter universe on fire. Much of it was not good.
Defenders, those people with oh so tender sensitivities, are claiming it is for the kids and who really cares? Those weepy over sensitive types are always harping about the children.
Listen, when those little sperm and egg omelettes shell out for tickets, hot dogs, dad's beer, and all the other Cubs junk, then, and only then, can it be about them.
ChicagoNow's Julie DiCaro said it best on Facebook, "Do you think us parents want that thing in our houses? Like I want to walk in my kids' room at 3 am and see that thing looking at me? No thanks."
"That thing" is an apt description of Clark.
Clark is Chicago's version of Pajama Boy, the asexual nerdy dorky geek who was the holiday face (farce) of the Affordable Care Act.
"Don't wear pants. Drink hot cocoa. Talk about purchasing Cubs tickets."
Clark will be the punching bag for satirists, sarcastic sports writers, local stand-up comics, and Sox fans.
The Cubs survey feedback used in picking Clark was probably from children in preschool. The alternatives, like Sammy Sosa in Cubs blue tights, were too scary.
If for some reason Clark becomes popular, will local Bronies convert, becoming Clarkies. Imagine, grown men dressing and acting just like the cute little bear cub. Picture them walking the streets with no pants, wearing a jersey, blue sneakers, baseball cap backwards, and swinging a bat.
Maybe Build-A-Bear will create a product for their young Cub fans.
Will someone draw a pair of over sized glasses on Clark, depicting him as a "Cub fan and a Bud man"?
Can Clark hit, pitch, and field? Lord knows the Cubs need those skills.
How long before Clark gets his own statue outside Wrigley Field?
As the photo on the left depicts, Photoshop owners will be quite busy with the hirsute mascot.
Maybe one can replace Bartman with Clark. Wouldn't that be nice?
How about Clark snatching the ball from a kid instead of offering it?
Oh the fun that can be had.
Ronnie Woo Woo fans are disappointed that he was not chosen as the new mascot, as he is the unofficial mascot of the Chicago Cubs.
How long before Clark gets his own show leading to Clark, the Movie? Maybe Mayor Rahm Emanuel's brother, Ari, will represent the cuddly little Cub. That really would be the Chicago Way.
Since Clark has those cute baby blue eyes, maybe the Cubs can get him to belt out a few Sinatra tunes, accompanied by the organ? "My Kind of Town (Chicago is)" or "Chicago".
Does Clark twerk? Imagine the cute mascot twerking on the mound, tongue hanging out, with a beer in one hand and a roll of Charmin in the other.
Steve Goodman, who wrote the unofficial official Cubs Anthem, "Go Cubs Go", and "A Dying Cub's Fan's Last Request", must be turning over in his dead Cub's fan grave.
Its a beautiful day for a funeral, Hey Ernie lets play two!
Somebody go get Jack Brickhouse to come back,
and conduct just one more interview (A Dying Cubs Fan's Last Request/Steve Goodman)
Now that the Cubs have cuddly Clark, the goat can be vindicated.
Filed under: Uncategorized