I am a liar

Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich wrote about the "snoops" and their intrusions on our daily lives. The people in stores who ask for email addresses, zip codes, phone numbers, birthdays, etc. They waste our precious time while data mining our most private information.

Me, I am a liar. I lie to all the snoops, busybodies, clerks, and other trained seals who ask personal questions.

Phone number, sure, 765-1313(The old number for calling the police). Zip code, 606whatever comes to mind. Email, one or two I never use. Birthday, once I told them July 4, 1910. They dutifully took it down like the trained seals they really are.

I lie on polls, especially political and exit polls. I get great pleasure from doing this. My favorite are the calls where they ask questions about local issues. I just lie, and lie, and lie. I even tell them I will vote for whoever.

Sign a petition? Sure, I have used George Wallace, Rube Goldberg, Juan Valdez, David Crockett, and any other name I could come up with.

I love it when the trained seals in stores ask me how I am. As they check out my various purchases I regal them with tales of aches, pains, medications, medical procedures and placement of over large medical devices into too small bodily orifices.

"Do you have our rewards card?" If the line is long I make a very hard long fumbling concerted effort to find the card. What care I for the fools behind me?

Aside from the fact that all this is an intrusion of my privacy, it is a waste of my time. If they are going to waste my time asking questions I will foul their systems with false information.

I have no obligation to tell the truth to total strangers. I do not like to be bothered by phone calls, email blasts, or pop up surveys to continue reading articles on the Internet, so I just lie to all of them.

Sometimes I get down right contrary. When asked for my email, I pull out a pen and pad and politely ask the clerk for his or her email, with a wink and a leer. That usually throws them for a loop. Same with phone numbers and zip codes. Show me yours I'll show you mine, well kind of sort of anyway.

I do not have a duty to tell the truth to data miners, political operatives, sales people, or anyone else asking me stupid questions.

Sometimes I turn the tables. I ask them why they are asking me for information. I ask them if any of this information will be turned over to the government. I even ask them if they are working for the CIA. Hey, an old fart like me has to have fun while making the trained seals uncomfortable.

Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies. Ask me questions at your peril.

Oh, and for those pesky bar flies who ask for my sign, it is Skull and Crossbones.

This is the best I ever heard of for handling sales calls. Even Second city could not create this:

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