Welcome to Chicago helpful hints for your business trip

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Welcome to Chicaga. That is not a misprint. It is the proper pronunciation of our burg. Chicaga is not the capital of Illinois. It is the capital of the world and the heart of America.

The official language of Chicaga is Lapsa Lingua. Please, do not be rude like you are to tourists in your own city, state, country. Learn how we tawk. Mikalos Malapropolis wrote a Lapsa Lingua language guide for visitors to Chicaga. You can get it as an ebook for a double-sawbuck from www.gimmedadough.com.

Here are some helpful hints to keep you safe, sane and sound while visiting our fair city.

Rahm Emanuel, our great leader as long as he wants to be, is called da mare or Mr. Mare.  More floral orators refer to him as Mr. MaahrChicaga has a history of powerful mares ruling the city. Please ignore his digital amputation. Do not refer to him as stumpy.

That stuff hanging from his coat tail is not a fashion statement. It is a custom. It is called the Chicaga mistletoe. No explanation is needed.

Da mare’s palace is not City Hall. It is da hall. Speaking of which, our pronouns, nouns, and articles are also different. Instead of these, them, that, and those, we say dese, demdat and doze. There is da ,en or in too. Things are tings. Other is udder. It rhymes with brudder, which is brother. Ask is ax. Like "I axed you a question."

Here is an example. “See dat guy over dere? He’s da guy dat does dat ting. You know da ting I’m tawkin bout? Not dat ting, da udder ting. Doze udder guys do doze tings youse tinking of. Now, go over dere and bring me somma dem tings widda frostin on em.

Please learn our currency. A fin is five dollars, not a menu item in an Asian restaurant. A sawbuck is ten dollars. A double-saw is twenty dollars. A half a hundert is a fifty-dollar bill. A century is a hundert-dollars. Note we do not use singles or one-dollar bills. If you need change please see President Obama.

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Please learn our peculiar customs. Some of you foreigners may think they are the same in your country. Our argot is quite different. Our elected officials do not take bribes. They are properly called grease, motion lotion, stuffing (as for envelopes or paper bags), help, assistance, lettuce, green or salad. Sometimes an offer to buy a hat or tie is acceptable.

A bagman is not someone who walks around with a satchel with nuclear codes or a homeless guy. A bagman is da guy who takes the stuffin for da guy who is s’posed to get it. Got it?

If you don’t want to wake up in the gutter, beaten, bloody, and toothless, remember this, our elected officials and their bagmen do not take American Express.

For you or your late night entertainment value, we do not call a fille de joie, courtesan, oily mouthed strumpet, or trolling trollop a mere prostitute or call girl. The proper term is whooore. If you are too drunk, looking for some car action, and are directed to certain areas, be sure to check the package of the whooore first. Some are not what they seem.

There are no strip clubs in Chicaga. They are known as "Gentlemen's Clubs" or the "badda bing".

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Beware of your possessions. Chicaga is full of teefs who will steal your eyeteef while you sleep. Then they will steal your dreams. There are also gentlemen of a particular criminal persuasion. They are called hooods, not hoods. Hoods are worn by thugs, gangbangers, dope dealers, and rapacious predatory flash mobs.

Never refer to the woman who is accompanying you as your mistress as an administrative aide. The proper term is goomahd.

Dining is important in Chicaga and we have some of the best cuisine in the nation. You just have to know how to navigate culinary terms. We do not have sandwiches in Chicago. We have the sammich and the sanguich. The sammich is on soft white bread or soft buns. The sanguich is a complete meal on hardier crusty bread or rolls.

A dip is not frolicking naked in Buckingham Fountain. It is dipping the sammich or sanguich in gravy or jus. Juice is political influence not something you drink.

If you value your life, and our murder rate is up 56% this year, never, ever put ketchup, catsup, or any of that other red stuff on a hot dog.

A boilermaker is a shot and beer not union thug. A car bomb is a drink.

Our police officers are well trained, polite, very helpful, and love to assist visitors to Chicaga. If you need to know what time it is, they will tell you it is time to buy a watch. They will graciously direct you to a store or street vendor where you can get one cheap. If you need directions to a street named after a state, city, or country, they will give you directions to the airport.

Our police officers are not here to create disorder; they are here to preserve disorder. The unwashed predatory flash mobs will be allowed to do whatever they want to make your vacation miserable. They have rights. Their rights trump your privilege.

So, welcome to Chicaga. Remember, you ain’t in Kansas, Los, Angeles, Paris, Rome, or Brussels anymore.

Portions of this article were originally published here.

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