Chicago has a serious problem. The ever-increasing numbers of illegal aliens crossing our borders and flooding our city from a backward fourth world country called Suburbia. They bring with them their bland, sterile, cultureless, bedroom community standards and refuse to assimilate into our urban culture and way of life. They demand Chicago submit to them. They want native Chicagoans to submit like conquered Native Americans were supposed to.
The illegal immigration problem predates Mayor Rahm Emanuel. His predecessor opened the borders and made Chicago a sanctuary city for émigrés fleeing Suburbia. He catered to their every whim. The émigrés had a powerful lobbying group called real estate developers. They saw to it that Chicago neighborhoods turned into walled gated ghettos resembling Suburbia. Bedroom communities, where the lawns were manicured, the birds chirped, and you cannot find a loaf of bread, quart of milk, or shot and a beer with pickled pigs feet and a hardboiled eggs unless you drive far away to some other neighborhood.
The culture of Suburbanites is NIMBY, not in my backyard. They want to live in nice mini-subdivisions, just like mommy and daddy did. They do not want local small and mom and pop businesses sullying up their newfound Utopia. Of course they have no qualms about going to other neighborhoods, getting drunk, creating loud disturbances, loitering, vomiting on the street, and urinating on people’s lawns. They just do not want those activities where they live.
Allowing illegal Suburbanites to vote was a disastrous decision by the city fathers. Instead of giving them a path to citizenship, making them learn Chicago’s official language, Lapsus Lingua, and earning citizenship, Mayor Daley welcomed them with voter registration. The Suburbanites were happy, the real estate developers were happy, and Mayor Daley and the aldermen were happy, especially with all that developer dough going into their campaign coffers.
Native Chicagoans were miserable. The worst thing that can happen is a Suburbanite moving next door to them. There goes the neighborhood. Native Chicagoans fear their property taxes will go through the roof when the Suburbanite turns a raised ranch or bungalow into a McMansion. They also dread one might, eek! marry their sons or daughters, procreating, ick! half-breed Suburbanites.
Chicagoans dread Urban Renewal. Not the 1960s type that tore down blighted neighborhoods and manufacturing and industrial corridors, leaving vast swaths of weed choked vacant blight behind for five decades. The modern Urban Renewal they fear is destroying whole neighborhoods to put in golf courses, forest preserves, shopping centers, horse riding paths, dog parks, and amusement parks. And, of course, ringing them all with huge swaths of useless vacant land called parking lots.
Suburbanites who never lived in Chicago decided to dominate civic life without learning Chicago civics. They do not know or care that Chicago is a city of neighborhoods, not subdivisions. They do not learn our history, culture, cuisine, way of life, politics, or anything else. They are against the corner grocery store, the corner saloon, the mom and pop business, and the greasy spoon diner.
They want the shopping mall, conveniently located miles from where they live. Suburbanites want corporate, franchise, and major brand businesses. Olive Garden and Chipotle are haute ethic cuisine. Mario’s, Spiro’s, Sophie’s, Lalo's, Wong’s, or Max’s hole in the wall restaurants, and Willie’s Barbecue are blights.
Ever so environmentally conscious, they will bitterly complain about odors emanating from food entities while grilling on industrial size behemoths belching toxic fumes from chemically treated pre-packaged processed pseudo-cuisine purchased at the mall. They will decry smog while driving miles in their over sized SUVs to get a cup of mocha latte with soy whip cream, shaved chocolate, and caramel sauce.
If you are of an ethnic persuasion and you cook with curry, onions, or garlic, the enviro-nazi Suburbanites will have haz-mat teams kicking down your door. Your home will be destroyed, you will be bankrupted, and the Suburbanite will buy your vacant lot for a song to plant a bigger lawn.
Suburbanites are the worst drivers in the world. They outrank the Chinese, Mexicans, Ultra-Orthodox Jewish Rabbis, Indians, Pakistanis, and Middle Eastern and African cabdrivers. Suburbanites think the speed limit is the pedal to the metal. They are a threat to our children, senior citizens, and any pedestrian who dares try to cross a street. Worse, Suburbanites are horn beepers. They never learned that the horn on a vehicle is legally and strictly an emergency signal device. It is not there to blare people out of their way or blast people awake before dawn because the Suburbanite is too slothful, lazy, and shiftless to get out of their vehicle, walk a few yards, up a few stairs, and ring the doorbell.
Suburbanites are overly sensitive. They are offended anytime a Chicago citizen swears loudly at them for their buffoonish and boorish behavior. They consider it hate and abusive speech. They actually call the police if some Chicago citizen insults their dignity and self esteem. God forbid a police officer verbally abuses them. They wail, cry, pee, and moan, “This doesn’t happen in Suburbia.” Since Chicago police officers are thorough professionals, they firmly and politely tell the Suburbanite to go back to Suburbia.
I know many people who left the city to raise their children in the suburbs. They pine for the day they can return to our urban paradise. They miss living in the city. My advice to them is not to wait. Move back now before there is no city left.
The major issue for Mayor Emanuel and the Chicago City Council to tackle is illegal immigration from Suburbia. Deportation is not an option, as Suburbia does not want these people back. But, we do not have to allow more to cross our borders. We need a common sense immigration policy to save our city, neighborhoods, and urban culture. The urgency of now is upon Mayor Emanuel and aldermen. This is one crisis that is too good to waste. It is the critical issue of our time. Stop illegal immigration from Suburbia.
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