Dear Nosy People: Mind Your Own Damn Business! (or "Get Away from The Window, Gladys!")

Dear Nosy People: Mind Your Own Damn Business! (or "Get Away from The Window, Gladys!")

One of the things I hate most in life are people who can't mind their own business.

You know the people I'm talking about, as they strive to make themselves as conspicuous as possible. They crane their necks to hear your conversations, rifle through your mail, and never fail to chime in with unneeded and useless advice for even the most mundane problems. They are the ones who arrange annoying office Christmas parties where you end up playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey while Sharon from accounting passes out in the coat room.

You'd think, and this is just a simple thought, that 44 years after the final episode of Bewitched aired that people would learn from Gladys Kravitz and get the hell out of our business!

gladys

These immortal and eternal pain in our collective asses will continue to peek in our windows and rifle through our desks for as long as they eek out an existence. They're driven by the sheer bland dullness of their lives, usually complete with an overweight partner and a whole murder of crow-like, unpleasant children.

How do we drive off these vampires who threaten to suck the essence of our lives into theirs faster than Bela Lugosi as Dracula at a crowded Walmart?

The best thing, I think, is to simply pretend like they're not there. These people feed on drama, so yelling at them is out of the question, as they will only gain sustenance from your scolding. If you invalidate their existence, they will usually forget about you and go on to the next unwilling prey.

You must also take measures to ensure you do not fall prey to this species that's more invasive that Asian Karp (is that a dated reference?) Lock up your kids, your wife, and your date planner, and make sure that these people are as far away from your belongings as possible.

Another fun thing is to prank them into believing you're some deviant, as Samantha did to Gladys on Bewitched. Leave a bag of flour in your desk and watch as Susan freaks out and tells everyone you're a drug addict, only to be embarrassed when you use it to make a cake in the employee lounge.

Humor, I think, is the perfect tool to denigrating these delinquent dalliances, as well. Make fun of them, tease them, and let them know that what they're doing is absolutely ridiculous.

Trust me, if you listen to my advice you won't need to buy pest control spray.

That shits expensive.


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