Imagine this: I'm sitting on the couch, minding my own business and binge-watching Difficult People on Hulu, when I am assaulted by the worst kind of invasive species known to modern man: Hipsters. A man and a woman, both gaunt and wearing what looks like cast-offs from the bargain bin at The Salvation Army, talking about how they took a Honeymoon and ended up starting a business beings guides to tourists and never went back home. They praise the fact that their new tablet has a long battery life, because they are "constantly on the go" and that "battery life is extremely important."
Meanwhile, I'm sitting here, resisting the urge to throw my laptop against the wall. First of all, why are these people seemingly lecturing me about their deranged honeymoon change of life and why do I need to know it? Nothing they said made me want whatever electronic they were plying, and the fact that they were so matter-of-fact and serious about it made the whole thirty seconds excruciatingly painful. The fact that the end of the commercial is them hugging and striking all sorts of "cute" poses brought me very close to losing the Chicken Parmesan nesting in my gut.
But, sadly, this isn't an isolated occurrence. Every commercial now is a sleek, digitized work of anti-art, throwing out buzzwords left and right.
Here's my list of the buzzwords I hear most often and what they actually mean:
"Artisanal" = "Expensive"
"Organic" = "Expensive"
"Apple" = "Goddamned Expensive and might explode"
"Pesticide-free" = "Filled with leeches"
"No tears" = "Many tears"
"Side effects include..." = "Side effects are worse than the malady they're curing"
"Erectile dysfunction" = "Sad old men and dusty wives"
"America's newest favorite comedy" = "America's newest explosive diarrhea"
"Expensive" = "Honest"
Though not a comprehensive list by any means, you catch my drift. We are no longer being sold a product - we are being sold a collection of words that hold no meaning to the average consumer.
And is it just me, or are celebrities getting extremely desperate? You have Willem Dafoe dressing like Marilyn Monroe and endless comedians playing a game of musical chairs with the role of Colonel Sanders. And, honestly, when was the last time you thought, "Hey, Justin Bieber is in the new Taco Bell commercial, let's go stuff our fat faces and eat our problems away"?
As is often the case, the people who are brainstorming these rancid pieces of excrement are so far removed from mainstream America that their attempts at emulating trends are laughable and pathetic. If a product can't sell with an honest, straight-forward commercial then you need to work on said product, not on the commercial hocking it. It's all a big smokescreen to distract the average consumer from the fact that their product is either: A. Substandard, B. Overly-expensive, C. A passing trend, or D. All of the above and much much more.
Capitalism is the most perfectly-tuned economic system in the world, but it is not enough to save us from idiots. These commercials are multi-million dollar travesties that could be going into the coffers of the company, so they can stay afloat. Spending millions on Ad execs and sleek commercials should go the way of the dinosaur, because there is no need anymore. If anything, just make simple, straight-forward ads for the internet, all digital and extremely cheap.
With company profits at an all-time low and more failing each and every day, we need to reorganize our priorities. Cut the crap, burn the chaff, and abandon the ads with pale, unsmiling creatures eating kale and sitting at Starbucks.
Recently, I saw an ad for Panera Bread, touting their new salads. It is the most honest advertising, and simultaneously the most damning, I've ever seen. Not once in the entire commercial did someone crack a smile in the sea of pale, sullen hipsters while eating their over-priced salad. The unhappiness was actually palpable, to the point where I started to get depressed watching it and ate an entire bag of Doritos.
And that, my dear friends, speaks volumes.
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