Embracing a New Path of Uncertainty

A small wave of panic set in the other day. I thought about going out and wandering around town for a while and then I decided not to. I just didn’t want to go out. Didn’t want to leave our house. I had nowhere special to be, and nothing special to do, but I was going to explore our new surroundings.

What prompted this sudden and unexpected behavior?

Since I stopped working full time, I developed a sort of a routine by not having a routine at all. I am usually free to come and go as I see fit and schedule my own day, doing my own “thing.”

This has been a year of pretty huge changes for both of us, but I think it’s affected me in ways I didn’t expect.

The Big Guy is still working. He still gets up at 5 a.m., does his pre-work routine, and puts in his usual 8-10 hours in his home office. We may have moved our space, but his routine is constant. In a way, I envy that. Routine can give one a sense of direction and purpose. It helps banish any thoughts of being irrelevant and not useful anymore. Now my lines have been blurred.

Our moving has changed everything. My routine changed yet again over the past month or so by starting to set up my art studio in our house. Another change, another disruption, and my path around the sun changes yet again. What if I were a planet? Well, that wouldn’t do. I’d cause havoc throughout the universe with all these changes.

So, what happens when your trajectory changes?

I do what I usually do, I took my problem to The Big Guy. My steady partner, my voice of reason, my rock.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Big guy, I don’t want to leave the house.

TBG: Were you planning on going somewhere?

Me: No set plans, maybe I’ll go to the Dispensary today, and while I’m out, I was going to the store.

TBG: So, what’s the problem?

Me: I don’t want to go out.

TBG: Then don’t (He always knows the right thing to say)

Now, at this point, I should have left this issue alone. It was obvious that I wouldn’t be understood here. Time to press on and tell him the real fear…

Me: But, what if there’s something wrong with me? What if I can’t leave the house because I’m turning into an Agoraphobic?

TBG: An agoraphobic that wants to travel?

Me: ummmmmm…

TBG: You do realize we’re talking about this while we’re driving in the car, right?

Me: ummmmm, yea, but. . .

Wow, that issue was put to rest in record time. So, maybe I jumped to an inaccurate diagnosis. Nah!

TBG: Couldn’t it just be that you’re happy here?

Me: That hasn’t happened for a while. I always like to go out. Happy staying home? That’s a new one. Happy, content, peaceful, joyful – hmmmmm. Aren’t those the feelings that people have when they like where they are and what they’re doing?

TBG: Things change, people change. Maybe you just like being at home.

Me: hmmmmmmm.

So, what changed? What happened?

Well, here’s what I think. I believe we’ve come upon a new chapter in our history. I have to be honest though - at this point in our lives, I’m just pleased that we even get to turn another page.

OK universe - Challenge accepted.

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