My sister got married last week. I decided to make her special day all about me, so I gave a speech. Here's the video of it: Wedding Speech Video
And here's how the speech was supposed to go:
Thank you everyone for coming. I was a little disappointed to discover that this year and a half of planning was actually for a wedding, and not an elaborate surprise birthday party for me, as I had hoped…but it’s fine, I guess.
For those of you who don’t know me, I am Aimee’s sister. And for those of you who do know me, you probably know me as Aimee’s sister. That’s just a little inside joke between me, my sister, and every member of our family. All jokes aside, my name is Lindsay. Hello. As you might know, my sister isn’t changing her name, because of feminism. But I am considering changing mine. I think changing my name to Aimee could really help advance my career.
I struggled a lot writing this speech, so I went to Google for help. All of the wedding speech advice I found says that now is the time that I congratulate the parents on raising a great kid. So I’ll do that now. Mom, dad. You guys did a great job with Aimee.
And you had me too.
I spent a lot of my childhood in Aimee’s shadow. Teachers requested me to be in their class because my sister was so wonderful—and I disappointed all of them. They would hand out assignments and say, “Your sister was so good at these ” and I’d be like “Is it okay if I pick my nose now?”
I have a lot of fond memories of us growing up. Like that time that Aimee won that piano competition. Or that time Aimee got into the Chicago children’s choir. Or that time she got into Brown. Got that job at Facebook. Oh, I’m sorry. These are all my memories of Aimee. A memory of both of us…I have a lot of fond memories of us fighting over who got to control the TV. Because of all of this, I think of you as more than a sister, Aimee. I also think of you as an ex-roommate.
Next the wedding speech tips say to talk about how the bride is such a good person. So here is the section where I would theoretically put that. No. I’m kidding I’m kidding. She’s a good person. No matter how sad, or angry, or stressed I am, Aimee is always there to brag about her accomplishments. I’m kidding. She actually was great to me in high school. I didn’t have many friends, and it always meant a lot to me when she would invite me to hang out with her and her friends. Especially since the only way she let me play with her as a child was if I agreed to play the “servant”. But now she has Peter for that.
So Peter and Aimee met while working at Facebook. But I like to say they met on Facebook, because I want people to think that maybe my sister and her husband met by commenting on the same cat video 3 years ago. When they first started dating, it was obvious she was so happy. She was really excited about him. According to her, within the first few weeks he said “I bet your farts smell like rose petals” And she thought that was funny because she described her farts as smelling like cat puke. This all makes a lot more sense now that I know Peter was born without a sense of smell.
Peter is great. I was skeptical before I met him, because Aimee talked about how much he liked her, which of course made me wonder what was wrong with him…but he actually ended up being totally normal and cool. I remember Aimee flossing her teeth with the back of an earring one day, and me pulling him aside to say, “Peter. I think you can do better”.
On April 18, 2016, only a couple months after they started dating, Aimee messaged me “I swear I’m gonna marry this guy”. And she was right. Here we are. Maybe that’s because of love, or maybe that’s because Aimee will go to great lengths to be right.
The way Peter really won me over was by creating a Facebook group for the 2 of us and Aimee’s best friend. He labeled the group “Living in the shadow of Aimee”. The description is: “For those living with the knowledge that they'll never be as good.” It meant a lot to me when he made that group, because it felt like he was finally becoming family. Because only my family will readily admit that my sister is far superior to me (on paper. I'm a fun hang.) Our one rule is that we can never let Aimee into the group. Because she’d probably be better at living in her shadow than we are.
She used to have a shirt that said “My future’s so bright I need shades”. I don’t know who picked out that shirt—Aimee or our parents— but all I’ll say is that shirt was never gifted to me. I wanted a shirt that said “My sister’s future’s so bright I need her shadow”.
If you’ve spent any time with Aimee and Peter together, it’s pretty obvious that they’re in love. I don’t think they’ve spent over 2 minutes in the same room without holding hands. They even hold hands when they fight over whose turn it is to take out the garbage.
They really are perfect for each other. Aimee likes eating out. Peter loves paying for Aimee to eat out. Aimee loves getting new things. Peter loves buying Aimee new things. Peter loves telling Aimee she’s great. Aimee loves getting told that she’s great/telling other people she’s great. And Peter is so sweet. When I came to visit them here last year, he wouldn’t let me pay for anything—I had to trick him into letting me buy him a bottle of water…you know, to pay him back for all the dinners, ubers, and bike rentals. I think that $2 water really evened us out.
I thought I’d end with a little Peter and Aimee quiz. Okay, on their first date, Peter rescued my sister from the rain with an umbrella and then they went to….okay and here’s a question for Peter: Peter, who’s funnier, me or Aimee? Before you answer, remember Aimee loves you unconditionally. My love for you is very conditional.
Seriously, congrats. May you guys have a perfect life and make even more perfect children who I can compete with.
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