Wow. It's been a long time since I last posted on here. I'm sorry to all my devoted fans who check this page every day for any updates. I'm lazy. So today, instead of writing something new, I figured I'd recycle my notes section on my iPhone. These are some of the stupid thoughts I've had that aren't quite funny enough to make it as a tweet:
Can you convert to atheism?
Does anyone know why I’ve started liking the smell of my feet?
Can’t spell failure without "u" "r" "a" (Okay, I cheated. I made this a status once).
He’s had more sex in the past month than I’ve had in my entire life. Well, I can say that about anyone who’s had sex this month.
Watching female audience members going home with male comics is really inspirational.
Kind of rude when someone assumes I don’t want my penny of change. Also kind of rude when someone assumes I do.
Saying I’ve never been broken up with makes me sound a lot cooler than saying I’ve never dated anyone.
You remember that MTV lie detector show when a woman claimed she had never farted?
Is it passive-aggressive of me to apologize to my roommates for being passive-aggressive?
They say attractive people are symmetrical, but what if they're symmetrically ugly?
I had a sex dream but it wasn’t sexy at all.
You can only make fun of someone until it’s a diagnosis.
CVS cashier to co-worker: “When you get a chance we need some more singles”. Uhhhh... I’m right here.
Should I bring my business cards to speed dating?
Ugh I wish I were an optimist. I’m such a pessimist.
New shirt, new shoes, new problems.
Sometimes on stage I get really paranoid that the audience is laughing at me.
I need to stop babysitting kids over the age of 5, because they’re all so confident about their knowledge. Having me question how to spell my name. What identical twins are. If Colorado is a state or a city.
I've worked with 200+ kids. One of them is gonna be a murderer.
When kids go to the doctor and find out their percentile, what if they also found out how hot they’ll be when they're older?
My favorite thing to do is tell national touring stand-up headliners that I can give them some comedy advice.
Friends to me when a comic turns me down for a date: “Dude. You’re so much funnier than them”. Me: “Yeah I know. Thanks. You always know what to say”.
Az soon az I lirn how to spel, it's over fur you hows.
As soon as I learn how to finish a sentence, it's...
Me: “I have to go. I have to get up at 7:00 tomorrow”. Friend: “I have to get up at 6:00!” Me: "Yeah. I make better life choices than you. What's your point?"
When I’m famous I want an album of all the pics I’m in the background of.
Maybe if they stop making movies about fat girls finding their true beauty and getting the hot guy despite their looks, fat girls won't be so worried that they aren't beautiful.
I used to be worried that someone would put drugs in my food, but then I discovered drugs are really expensive and no one is handing out free cocaine in the fun dip.
Yes. That typo is what’s preventing my tweet from getting likes.
I used to complain about my pimples, and my friends with acne would point at their faces and roll their eyes. Then I’d say it looked natural on them, but was out of place on my skin.
Jesus died a long time ago but boy do people still talk about him. I wouldn’t mind dying now if everyone agreed to talk about me at least once a week.
There you go! That's been my iPhone notes section. Hope you enjoyed reading my dumb thoughts. Please comment below with some of your dumb thoughts that haven't made it out of your notes section. Maybe you wonder what breast milk tastes like. As someone who once lactated as a side effect of a medication, I can tell you it's salty.
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