I started seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago. Is she as good as my last one? Obviously not. But I had to settle. She's as good as I'm going to get with my thinning hair and awkward proportions.
I shared my many dating issues with her. How picky I am. How I obsess over someone unattainable, and if that person suddenly becomes attainable, I'm no longer interested. I rarely go on second dates. Honestly, very similar to my search for a new therapist. I'm very afraid of commitment. I don't want to say, "This is my person" in dating or therapy. I even freaked out when the father of a kid I watch referred to me as his nanny. I actually said, "Oh, I'm just helping out for a few weeks" and had to actively stop myself from saying, "I'm seeing other families".
I think I have a problem with choosing one person. I don't want to say, "I like this person the most out of everyone, even more than someone I might meet in the future." I might see if my therapist is interested in an open relationship of sorts. I mean, she sees other people, so it's only fair.
After exposing my deepest, darkest, not so secrets to my therapist, she asked me if I had ever read Attached, a book about adult relationships. I told her I had not. And she casually said I should check it out. I'll let you in on a secret: I had no plans to check it out. But every session she casually mentioned the book again, as an aside. Until last week when she firmly asserted that I needed to read the book. So I ordered it and look forward to being able to use the correct language when talking about my shortcomings.
While I wait for the book to be delivered, let's talk about my obvious attachment issues exhibited through my texts with a guy from the dating app, Hinge. Super hot. Lawyer. Really into me, persistent that we meet up (which, if you ask me, is a red flag). No one cool should want to meet one person that badly.
I have a rich history of going on dates with people who look great in photos, but look terrible when they walk. Like I can sense their insecurities by how much they look at the ground. You ever know as soon as your date walks towards you that you're not gonna like them? That's a pretty common occurrence for me.
So hot lawyer wanted to hang out, but I had never seen how he moved. I wouldn't want to waste an hour with a guy whose walk I wasn't attracted to. And some of his texts sounded slightly serial killer-y.
He looked up a video of me doing stand-up, so it only seemed fair that I watch a video of his. He claimed he didn't have any videos, but I pointed out how easy it would be to take one. So he sent a video of him sitting on the bus. But he didn't move much, and never smiled. In my experience, that's classic serial killer.
I told him that I can tell a lot by a person by watching them walk, so I asked him to send me a video of him walking. This was a joke, but also not at all a joke. It was a joke in that I knew this was a ridiculous request, and didn't expect him to actually send it, but not a joke in that I really wanted him to send me this video.
5 minutes later I got a video of him walking. Pretty stiff, like the walk of a serial killer. He made the strange choice to walk away from the camera, which means I couldn't see his face. I asked him to send a video of him walking towards the camera, which is apparently where he draws the line. He claimed he doesn't like the way he looks, which seemed like a stupid excuse, considering if we went out I would have to see his face.
So I compromised by asking for a video of him snapping his fingers. This was more of a test to see what he would send me. 5 minutes later, I got a video of him snapping. Honestly, his hand spent too long thinking about snapping before it started. A weirdly long pause. Also, kind of the snap of a serial killer. I asked him if he was a murderer and he responded with, "No. But I get that a lot" which, again, sounds like a red flag.
Also, what kind of person actually sends these weird videos!? Some of you might be wondering what kind of person asks for these videos, but you already know that's me.
I shared all of my fears of meeting up with him. All of the things I might not like about him. That way, if we went out and I wasn't interested, he would know exactly why without me having to tell him. I like to be upfront about how picky I am...it's for sure great to make your date question their self-worth before meeting up, right? To be fair, hot lawyer asked why I have issues dating, and I was just being honest. I'm not the asshole this paragraph makes me out to be.
My fears of commitment run so deep that I didn't even want to commit to seeing this guy one time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I do, but there has to be more to it. Why have all my friends been in relationships, when I'm 24 and have never made it past a 3rd date? I often complain that they're too into me, or not into me enough. Or maybe they have a weird laugh, a tattoo I don't like, a weird habit of saying my name too much, or excessive spelling mistakes in their texts. All of those are actual things that have contributed to me not going on a second date.
I haven't gone out with the hot lawyer, but I also haven't read Attached yet. Maybe the book will convince me to give him a shot. Maybe the last line of the book is, "Lindsay, go on a date with that hot lawyer" to which I'll respond, "Ugh, did you really need to say my name there? That makes you sound like a serial killer."