Wow. I'd like to thank all of the casting directors, past contestants, ABC executives, Barack Obama, and Chris Harrison for taking the time to read my application. I promise it'll be worth your time.
I decided to only answer the interesting questions, so here they are:
Do you have siblings? How old are they?
Yes, I have a 27 year-old sister, and I get it. You wanted her to apply but she's "happily engaged, blah, blah, blah" so you asked if she had any lower-achieving siblings, and here I am. I can give you her number if her marriage doesn't work out. But it will, because she's never failed at anything.
Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film?
No, but my sister has. I get it. She's better than me. Do you want her number?
Have you ever been married or engaged?
Uhhhhh... I WISH!!!! That would make me a fun and interesting contestant. Maybe I'm a widow, and my husband was suffocated by a rose bush, so I'm going on The Bachelor to face my fear of roses. Every week I hope I don't get a rose, but something about my magnetic personality keeps getting me through to the next episode.
Are you genuinely looking to get married and why?
Absolutely. I'm not sure about right after my season of The Bachelor, but one day. Is it possible to win the show and then just continue dating for a few more years before getting engaged? Or is that frowned upon? Like, could the bachelor get down on one knee and ask if I want to continue dating? And then I could just casually end the season by mumbling, "Sure"?
Why would you want to find your spouse on our TV show?
It would be a great way to show all of my bullies that I've made something of myself. Not only would I be getting married, but a lot of people would hear about it. I'd probably get more than 10 likes on my engagement Facebook post (if I end up getting engaged a couple years after our season airs).
Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction.
Weirdly worded, but I'll answer. I would like someone who is of a height and of a weight. I'm not into those people who don't have any inches or pounds. But, maybe I just haven't met the right one. I don't want to completely rule out dating someone who doesn't exist in this dimension. In terms of personality, I’d like someone who likes me. Actually, it doesn’t matter. I find it kind of hot when someone shows little or no interest in me.
How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they?
Wow. Ummmm… Let’s see. There was that one place, and that other place, oooh and that one time. So that’s 1…2…0! I’ve never been in one. But doesn’t that make me quirky? I’ve never gone out with a person more than 3 times, but like, in a cute, Zooey Deschanel type of way.
What happened to end those relationships?
The real problem was that they never started. I’ve heard starting is an imperative step to ending.
What are your hobbies and interests?
I do a bit of stand-up, and I also have a great blog called I’m Not OK, Cupid. You should check it out here: http://www.chicagonow.com/im-not-ok-cupid/.
Do you have any pets?
No, but my roommate has a dog. Me and Raisin interact on an as-needed basis, like if one of us needs the bathroom.
Do you have any special talents? Tell us!
I can turn my right hand around 360 degrees. Other than that, I can kind of make a clover with my tongue, but my lip always ends up covering it, so you’d have to look inside my mouth. But I'm happy to show you on my in-person interview.
List 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you.
Relaxed, calm, carefree. I wouldn’t use those to describe myself, but if I did, they would definitely surprise people.
Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what are they? And where are they located on your body?
When I was 9 I got a piece of graphite stuck in my leg. So I guess I have a blue dot tattoo. It’s right below my left knee. If you're lucky, you can see it when I choose to wear my skimpier swim suit that doesn't cover both of my legs.
What accomplishment are you most proud of?
There are so many to choose from. Like:
- I went to an ivy league school
- I interned at Google
- I've run a few marathons
- I worked as a software engineer at Facebook, and now at Uber
- While working there, I graduated with an MFA in creative writing for young adults
- I've written crossword puzzles for the New York Times
- I was on a TV show called Superhuman
- I have a literary agent and am working on publishing a couple books
- I memorized all of Hamilton
Wait a second...those aren't my accomplishments. Sorry, those are my sister's. My accomplishments...hmm...I've:
- Never missed a therapy appointment. Except this one time.
What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship?
Honestly, another person. My relationships have been great, but there's always been that other person missing. It'd be interesting to see how adding a person in the mix would change things. I could maybe fall in love, or in an open manhole on the streets of New York. It's a win-win.
Thanks for reading! I look forward to regretting being on your show.
Filed under: Dating