Should I Be Scared For My Life? Bumble and the Creeps Among Us

Should I Be Scared For My Life? Bumble and the Creeps Among Us
I haven’t talked about dating in a while, so let’s dive back in. Since moving to New York I haven’t been on any dates. I asked two people out, both of whom I met in real life (2 people in 2 months!?!?! Some might call me a hero), but they both rejected me (I don’t... Read more »

A Life Update, New York City: Pizza Rat is Now My Neighbor

A Life Update, New York City: Pizza Rat is Now My Neighbor
I’m sure all of you have been wondering where I’ve been. My posts went from being infrequent to non-existent, and you’ve been sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for a new post. Well, I have been busy over the last few months planning and executing my move to New York. Yes, you read... Read more »

Author Commentary on My Hit Third Grade Unpublished Story: Modeling Isn't the Best

Author Commentary on My Hit Third Grade Unpublished Story: Modeling Isn't the Best
When I was in elementary school, I was convinced I was going to become a published author. Not later in life, but right then. Lucky for me, my best friend promised to pass along my work to his step-mom, who happened to be a publisher. He told me she would definitely publish me. Surprisingly he didn’t follow through, or... Read more »
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My Sister-of-the-Bride Wedding Speech

My Sister-of-the-Bride Wedding Speech
My sister got married last week. I decided to make her special day all about me, so I gave a speech. Here’s the video of it: Wedding Speech Video And here’s how the speech was supposed to go: Thank you everyone for coming. I was a little disappointed to discover that this year and a half of planning... Read more »

All My Stupid Thoughts That Aren't Funny Enough to be Tweets

All My Stupid Thoughts That Aren't Funny Enough to be Tweets
Wow. It’s been a long time since I last posted on here. I’m sorry to all my devoted fans who check this page every day for any updates. I’m lazy. So today, instead of writing something new, I figured I’d recycle my notes section on my iPhone. These are some of the stupid thoughts I’ve... Read more »

Dear Kayla, (a letter to an eighth grade survivor)

Dear Kayla, (a letter to an eighth grade survivor)
Enclosed is a letter I wrote to Kayla, the focus of the movie Eighth grade, written and directed by Bo Burnham. Dear Kayla, Congrats on finishing eighth grade. I know it wasn’t easy, but you made it. You made it past the glares and the snarky comments, whispers and eye rolls. You made it past... Read more »
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5 Reasons I Should be the Next Bachelorette

5 Reasons I Should be the Next Bachelorette
You may have seen my recent submission to The Bachelor. It got a great response, but unfortunately Chris Harrison has yet to contact me about a callback. With the Chicago open casting call happening tomorrow, I’m here to let the ABC executives know that I can take a hint. They clearly think I’d be better suited for... Read more »

I Don't Need to Drink to Act Stupid and Have Fun

I Don't Need to Drink to Act Stupid and Have Fun
Someone once called me a “square” at a party. I responded with, “Oh yeah? Do you know how many of my friends do drugs?” The number didn’t persuade him otherwise. Being part of the Chicago comedy scene means I go to a lot of parties (not trying to brag, but yeah…sometimes I’m even invited). A lot of... Read more »

Oh, You Want to Go on a Date? Please Send Me a Video Submission

Oh, You Want to Go on a Date? Please Send Me a Video Submission
I started seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago. Is she as good as my last one? Obviously not. But I had to settle. She’s as good as I’m going to get with my thinning hair and awkward proportions. I shared my many dating issues with her. How picky I am. How I obsess... Read more »
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If I'm Not the Best, Then What's the Point?

If I'm Not the Best, Then What's the Point?
When I was a preschool teacher and felt frustrated at work, I would think, “Well, at least I have comedy”. And when I was frustrated with comedy, I would think, “Well, at least I have teaching”. But I thought this way every day at work, and every night at comedy, so clearly I didn’t feel like I... Read more »