My Sister-of-the-Bride Wedding Speech

My Sister-of-the-Bride Wedding Speech
My sister got married last week. I decided to make her special day all about me, so I gave a speech. Here’s the video of it: Wedding Speech Video And here’s how the speech was supposed to go: Thank you everyone for coming. I was a little disappointed to discover that this year and a half of planning... Read more »

All My Stupid Thoughts That Aren't Funny Enough to be Tweets

All My Stupid Thoughts That Aren't Funny Enough to be Tweets
Wow. It’s been a long time since I last posted on here. I’m sorry to all my devoted fans who check this page every day for any updates. I’m lazy. So today, instead of writing something new, I figured I’d recycle my notes section on my iPhone. These are some of the stupid thoughts I’ve... Read more »

Dear Kayla, (a letter to an eighth grade survivor)

Dear Kayla, (a letter to an eighth grade survivor)
Enclosed is a letter I wrote to Kayla, the focus of the movie Eighth grade, written and directed by Bo Burnham. Dear Kayla, Congrats on finishing eighth grade. I know it wasn’t easy, but you made it. You made it past the glares and the snarky comments, whispers and eye rolls. You made it past... Read more »
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5 Reasons I Should be the Next Bachelorette

5 Reasons I Should be the Next Bachelorette
You may have seen my recent submission to The Bachelor. It got a great response, but unfortunately Chris Harrison has yet to contact me about a callback. With the Chicago open casting call happening tomorrow, I’m here to let the ABC executives know that I can take a hint. They clearly think I’d be better suited for... Read more »

I Don't Need to Drink to Act Stupid and Have Fun

I Don't Need to Drink to Act Stupid and Have Fun
Someone once called me a “square” at a party. I responded with, “Oh yeah? Do you know how many of my friends do drugs?” The number didn’t persuade him otherwise. Being part of the Chicago comedy scene means I go to a lot of parties (not trying to brag, but yeah…sometimes I’m even invited). A lot of... Read more »

Oh, You Want to Go on a Date? Please Send Me a Video Submission

Oh, You Want to Go on a Date? Please Send Me a Video Submission
I started seeing a new therapist a few weeks ago. Is she as good as my last one? Obviously not. But I had to settle. She’s as good as I’m going to get with my thinning hair and awkward proportions. I shared my many dating issues with her. How picky I am. How I obsess... Read more »
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If I'm Not the Best, Then What's the Point?

If I'm Not the Best, Then What's the Point?
When I was a preschool teacher and felt frustrated at work, I would think, “Well, at least I have comedy”. And when I was frustrated with comedy, I would think, “Well, at least I have teaching”. But I thought this way every day at work, and every night at comedy, so clearly I didn’t feel like I... Read more »

10 Things I Want to Know Before I Lose My Virginity

10 Things I Want to Know Before I Lose My Virginity
Virginity is a stupid concept, but I thought this would be a fun list. Also know that sex is whatever you consider it to be, and you’re not “ruined” after you’ve had it. 10 Things I Want to Know Before I Lose My Virginity 1. When to use commas. I often overuse the little buggers, because they’re fun.... Read more »

That Thing I Say on Stage is a Turn-off

That Thing I Say on Stage is a Turn-off
“I haven’t touched anyone in a year” is a thing I said on stage last night. I didn’t mean this literally, but I haven’t made it to first base in 361 days–not that I’m keeping track. I’m not even on deck yet. I’m just keeping the bench warm for hotter, cooler girls with higher batting... Read more »
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My Submission to ABC's The Bachelor-Chris Harrison Please Read

My Submission to ABC's The Bachelor-Chris Harrison Please Read
Wow. I’d like to thank all of the casting directors, past contestants, ABC executives, Barack Obama, and Chris Harrison for taking the time to read my application. I promise it’ll be worth your time. I decided to only answer the interesting questions, so here they are: Do you have siblings? How old are they? Yes,... Read more »