Beware, the Scourge of Internet Dating

It’s a good thing I learned to breathe deeply during yoga.  The strategy should help until my three-month nonrefundable membership on an internet dating site expires.

Since joining the latest one the past three days ago, my emotions have run the gamut like a ping-pong ball during a game.

In seventy-two hours alone, men have asked me why I haven’t been married, if I’ve ever lived with anyone, my weight, even though a recent picture is posted, for my phone number, after an instant message with solely the word “hi” on it, and for my email address so he could send his music demo, even though I am not an agent.

In that vein, I have created a list of online dating rules for when the yoga breathing thing goes out.

The brain after Internet dating


Rule # 1:  He who does not have the courtesy to answer an email is not worth your time.  Liken it to dodging an anvil, which it well may be.

Rule # 2:  He who has a good picture and coherent profile is not necessarily going to be too coherent in person.  I learned this while talking to a VGL doctor who wanted to take my stats within five minutes of our first (and consequently last) phone conversation.  There is a time a place for everything and probing into someone’s past thirty seconds in isn’t it.

Rule # 3:  He who hasn’t posted a picture often has something to hide.  Either he is married or has some other juicy tidbit he is trying to keep under wraps.  Run, and not in the same direction, either.

Still, there are going to be moments when you come in contact with someone who looks good and normal, one who isn’t posing with a deer head attached to his wall or with legs splayed around a beer keg, even though said person can be a lummox in disguise.  When this happens and you fall prey to one of these, there are always some “Snappy Comebacks to Sappy Questions.”

1.)  Why aren’t you married.  Because I just got out of jail, or… why are you divorced, separated, etc?

2.)  When was your last relationship? …  Are you a secret agent for the Census Bureau?

3.)  How much do you weigh? … Do you work for Jenny Craig on commission?

4.)  Do you want children?  …. With you or in general?  Because it it’s with you then I’d rather live in quicksand, but if it’s in general, then that’s okay.

Maybe the yogis’ were right, or was it Billy the Kid?


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  • Just curious, how many messages have you gotten on match/eharmony or whatever site you're on? I've heard anecdotally that there are at least 10 times as many men as women on there. I have an above average looking friend who was on and found a girl who seemed perfect for him. His sister helped him write the "perfect" message, showing that he had read her profile and hitting on their comment interests. No response- nothing. Maybe because he listed his income as "I'll tell you later."

  • In reply to iuecon99:

    No it's because some of those people are rude, plain and simple. But that only means that she wasn't the person for him and that he should just keep going and not give up because it's part of the game. I don't know how many messages I've gotten because I am so busy gritting my teeth most of the time that haven't been keeping track.

  • It's definitely frustrating. I know about 3 people in Evanston (plus my dog) so I bit the bullet and set up an okcupid profile. Most of the messages I've gotten have been in the line of:

    1) So tell me what British comedies your (sic) watching lol
    2) Is you're (sic) dog friendly lol

    I did meet a couple of nice girls who were interested in having kids very soon which isn't really something I'm looking for. And I got some messages from men too. There has to be a better way to meet people just to hang out with, not necessarily for dating.

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