Everybody wants you to STOP BEING SAD. Get happy! Smile! Screw that. If I need to feel sad, I feel sad, because in order to truly feel happy, I need the darkness. I'm just sad today. And that is OK. This sadness defies logic. It needs no real reason to creep in and take over and you're like, "Fuck you, I am trying to be peaceful and blissed out over here." And the sadness is all, "Oh yeah, hey girl, I don't care about any of that, I just want to cozy up with you and get good and dark. Cool?"
I have everything in the world that makes me joyous and grateful and yet I still get sad. Don't we all? It's when we don't talk about it that we are screwed.
We are complex creatures capable of feeling many different things at once. I can be sad and still be grateful. I can be happy and still be pissed off.
I talk about it. Incessantly so. "I'm just completely and utterly sad." I can say this to people in my life and that is it PERIOD THE END NO MORE TO THIS STORY and they get it. They don't probe for more, they DO NOT try to fix it. We just accept that being sad sometimes is part of our deal.
Now in the past you can bet your bottom dollar that when the sads hit, I was DaRU-UNK. God forbid I ever feel a feeling that wasn't euphoric or somehow pleasurable and just all about me. I only wanted the high and drank over the lows, which, of course we all know, makes the lows a million times worse. So there's that.
In the end I wouldn't banish this sadness. I need to feel it and experience it and embrace it. I let it wash over me. It's all part of who I am as a human being thinking doing feeling. Without this part of me there would not be the other parts of me. I can be sad without it meaning something is terribly wrong and I need to go on meds.* I can be sad without having to have a breakdown. I can just be sad. And it's OK. And it's also OK that I put on a brave face and smile anyway. This life is tough. But so are we.
Some days you just want to curl up on a ball under your desk and hide. But you don't because you choose to be part of the world. You act as if. You act as if you are brave and that the darkness isn't crushing you. Sometimes just going to get lunch feels like too much. But you do it anyway. Even when your skin feels like glass. As if you could shatter at any moment, if a breeze hits you at just the right degree. Because you are part of this world and you want to continue to be part of this world you keep pressing on. Because you've made that choice and continue to make that choice.
Yeah. Everything passes, but in order for it to pass you gotta feel it. Acknowledge it wallow for a bit and then MOVE THE FUCK ON. So you talk to your people. You ask for help and a kind ear or shoulder to lean on. You turn outside yourself to help somebody else. You turn on some Rolling Stones and yeah, man, yeah. It helps.
* I am not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with needing meds. I did for years and years. And if I needed them again, I would take them. If you need them, please by all means use them - responsibly.
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