So, right before I pump, you know, when I'm at my moment of explosion, I like to strut around and act like Joanie Holloway-Harris because that's the closest my décolletage and profile will ever be to hers. Now, if only I could smoke and drink in moderation to make it really fantastical.....a girl can dream, right? Moderation? AS IF.
Photo courtesy of the most fabulous Tom and Lorenzo. They do the best recaps and style posts for Mad Men. Hands Down.
I'm obsessed with breasts. Especially right now as mine are in a constant state of rising and falling and filling and spilling and heaving and sighing and growing and feeding - ALWAYS FEEDING. BREASTS. They are innately feminine, no?
You know I'm a bit obsessed with Mad Men. More specifically with Joanie, here. Since she is known for her femininity and breasts and beauty and charm and wit and smarts - I feel a bond with her, if I do say so myself. I have no delusions that I actually look like her or anything like that, I just get her. That seems silly to some and yet, it's profound to me and I would bet many other women out there as well. I get her motivations, to a point. She tries to live by her convictions and yet gets sucked in time and time again to a world driven by men and sex and money. She makes bad decisions and has to deal with the consequences, just like me! While my life is far from hers and always has been, there are definitely similarities in our story lines. I have the gift of living today where our choices are much more easily made and consequences not nearly as dire, but there are still many things that being a woman makes more difficult and I RELATE.
I wrote about this a while ago - RIGHT HERE - and I'm linking here because it's one of my favorite posts I've ever written and it has to do with my Grammie and Joanie and myself all wrapped up in beautiful pictures and what femininity means to me today. It's changed over the years and as I've gotten healthier and grabbed my femininity by the balls (!), I've learned to harness the power. If you read that piece, a lot of what I'm talking about here will make more sense.
There was a time when I did use my powers for bad. I admit it. I had a lot of amends to make, people. A TON. I used people for housing, for money, for booze, CERTAINLY for attention, and even after I got sober, I used people. I didn't know how to interact with men or women in a healthy way without expecting something in return. TODAY, I can absolutely have interactions with people JUST BECAUSE. That would not be possible in the old days. I don't know if I ever knew how to do that in a pure way, but I sure had to re-learn it. It's a quality I really like in myself today. That I can just listen and be a confidant without demanding something in return.
I was someone who used how I look to get what I wanted. And that is BAD. I am a mom today and I want to instill in both my kids that they are smart, capable, compassionate, FUNNY and then maybe being cute is an ok thing to be. That it's fun to look cute and feel beautiful, but that it really is secondary to everything else. LOOKS DON'T COME FIRST. It's really important to me as I believe a lot of my inappropriate behavior stems from using my looks to get what I wanted instead of my highly superior intellect and rapier sharp wit and charm. CHESHIRE GRINS.
MOST IMPORTANTLY - We don't always get what we want. In fact we rarely do get what we want and ultimately, it's good. We accept and learn and grow from what we get and hopefully turn it into a positive instead of a negative that makes us bitter and sad. Lemons into lemonade, anyone?
The attention seeking hasn't completely gone away, as, let's all be honest, I write this here blog and have a Facebook page that is feeding into my attention seeking, but hopefully it's in a positive way today that can help others along with myself.
I guess the longer I'm sober and the more confidence I gain as a woman who can have it all, or most of it, I find I relate less and less to the old me. The me who used people - and more specifically men - in order to get what I want. I don't even recognize that person anymore. I have compassion for her because she was desperate and so very sad. Today, I am a fully beautiful - inside and out - well rounded (very well rounded, you know what I'm sayin'?) woman. I am content with myself for the most part today. This is someone I am proud to show my kids and be an example of how to live a happy, healthy life. And that is a BEAUTIFULLY feminine way to feel.
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